


Headfirst Slide into Stohess on a String of Bad Luck and Bad Decisions

by Witchydigit



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Drugs, M/M, No Name, Prostitution, References to Drugs, Slow Burn, band au, hooker!Armin, posting as I write tbh, so slow they haven't even started crushing by chapter 9, the bad unhealthy side of prostitution, very slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2018-10-29 17:38:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10858839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Witchydigit/pseuds/Witchydigit
Summary: Armin's been struggling ever since his grandfather passed away four years ago, leaving him to care for himself. His plans for the future were swept away, and while he found a way to pay the bills, he can't exactly call it his ideal career. On top of living with the struggles of supporting himself, he's suddenly thrust back into his friends' lives, and must deal with his jealousy over their seemingly perfect lives.





	1. I Bet You Weren’t Expecting This One, Were You Baby?

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I don't even know where this fic is gonna go. It started because I wanted to name the chapters to sound like FOB song titles. It's already been through the scrapper once, so I figure I'll post it as I write and see where the story takes me.

_“Aww, c’mon Ar.”_

“I don’t know, Eren. It sounds kinda expensive…”

_“I told you I got the tickets already. They were free, so don’t try to use that excuse either. C’mon, I had to literally beg Kirstein for these passes, and I can’t just go alone. Do you know how hard it was to not punch his smug fucking face?”_

“Why don’t you take Mikasa?”

_“Can’t, she’s working. Ever since she got that manager position at the cafe she’s almost as busy as you. Please Armin, I haven’t seen you in aaaaaaaaaaaaages!”_

The blonde rolled his eyes and sighed into his phone. Eren was starting to whine, and he was never able to resist when his friend started whining. “Okay, fine…”

_“Yes!!!!!”_ Armin would have pulled his phone away from his ear, but it sounded like Eren might have actually thrown his phone in his excitement. _“Shit, I’m not used to the new phone, sorry. So I’ll text you the address later tonight after I work on this paper, okay?”_

“Okay, Eren. Umm, what subject?”

_“Oh, just this boring astronomy class I’ve gotta take to fill out my credits. It’s so boring having to stare at the stars all night.”_

Armin sighed again and rolled his eyes. Typical Eren. “Well, I’ll let you get to looking at those stars. It’s a nice clear night tonight.”

_“I’ve already looked at them, now I have to write about them, which is even more boring!”_

“Whatever. You should get back to studying. I’ll see you in a few days.”

\-------

Armin stood outside the parking garage, fiddling with his phone as he waited for Eren to find him. His friend had forgotten which garage he’d sent the blonde to, and was on his way from somewhere a couple blocks over. He wished Eren would hurry up. Armin knew this side of town all too well, and didn’t like the way some of the people who passed by were looking at him. He nearly jumped out of his skin when someone grabbed him from behind.

“Armin! God, it’s been forever!”

The blonde relaxed as a familiar mop of brown hair entered his field of vision. “Fuck, give a guy some warning next time. I nearly kicked you in the dick.”

Eren snorted and turned Armin around with a raised eyebrow. “And what if I was a girl trying to mug you? Wouldn’t have done you much good there.”

“I’m pretty sure getting kicked in the genitals hurts no matter what gender you are.”

The brunette smiled and started leading the way toward wherever it was they were going. “There’s my Ar. For a second I thought you’d been captured by bodysnatchers or something. You never used to curse like that when we were in school together.”

“Guess I picked it up at work or something.” Armin shrugged and kicked a bit of trash that was in his path. An awkward silence fell over the two as they continued to walk down the street. Neither was quite ready to broach the subject that loomed in the shadows, hiding like a monster under the bed. The silence still hung heavy as they approached a group of people lined up at an unassuming building set a little bit back from the street. Armin decided to break it first, steering the conversation away from questions he knew Eren had, and knew he wasn’t ready to answer yet.

“So have you declared your major yet? It’s been almost two years, your counsellor must be hounding you about that by now.” The gentle prodding was all Eren needed to open up like his usual old self. Armin was sure if he hadn’t said anything his friend’s face would have melted from the effort of being silent. Eren wasn’t exactly the quietest person in the world.

“Uuugh, he is! Professor Shadis has practically been blowing up my email reminding me to fill out that stupid form. He’s not the only one, either. My dad’s started getting on my case about what I’m gonna do with my life again too. I swear, it’s like they’re conspiring against me or something.”

“Is he trying to convince you to go PreMed again?”

Eren responded with a pained groan, which was a yes if Armin had ever heard one. “I mean, he is paying my tuition, but medical stuff is just so booooring! But I don’t want to disappoint him, either, y’know?”

Armin nodded and rubbed his friend’s arm soothingly. This had been an ongoing issue ever since their first year of High School, when Eren’s father had started pushing him onto a path that would lead to a career in the medical field. Eren hadn’t taken to it very well, and Armin was used to being there for him to vent to. Sometimes the brunette just needed to voice his frustrations, since he was such an open person.

“I mean, maybe he’d be mad if I applied for a music major, but it’d be shitty to get halfway through med school and just drop out. Aargh! College fucking sucks sometimes!”

The two got to the front of the line before Armin could answer. He was glad for that, because if he was being honest, he would give anything to be in Eren’s position. And he wasn’t certain that he could find something to say that wouldn’t land them right back into that awkward silence again.

Armin pulled out his ID as he approached the bouncer, keeping his head down. He realized as he looked around that he stood out in this crowd. His pale blue oversized sweater was a stark contrast to the plethora of blacks and deep jewel tones. At least his black jeans fit in, but that kind of made him feel like a floating torso. He took his ID back and shoved it into his pocket quickly as he caught up with Eren.

“Damn, too bad we couldn’t drive together, otherwise I could grab a drink.” Eren was eyeing up the bar in the front room with a slightly hungry look in his eyes. Armin grabbed his hand to drag him away before the brunette made any bad decisions. “Aww c’mon Ar, I was joking. Joking!”

“Mmhmm, sure,” Armin rolled his eyes, refusing to let go of Eren’s hand until a slightly larger crowd of people were between them and the bar. “Who are we here to see, anyways? Looks like there’s a lot of bands lined up.”

“No Name. I mean technically Jean got us in to see his band Dark Horses, but screw that.”

“I feel like there’s a Who joke in there somewhere,” Armin muttered.

“Who?”

“Yes… oh my god…” The blonde erupted into giggles at his friend’s shit eating grin, doubling over when Eren actually finished the old joke.

“No, Yes is on second.”

“Actually, I think Rosethorns is on second.”

The two turned around at the gruff voice, and Eren groaned when he saw Jean along with a group of their old friends from school.

“Way to ruin the joke, horseface.”

“Hey, remember who got you in here, Jeager. I can just as easily get you kicked out.”

Eren pouted silently. It looked like he was literally biting his tongue to keep from saying something nasty to Jean. In his defense, the blonde seemed to be having a lot of fun with his newfound power over Eren. Armin was more worried about the fact that it looked like everyone he knew in High School was there.Christa gave him a little wave, and Bertholdt smiled at him, but the others hadn’t noticed him yet.

“Where’s Mikasa? Oh god damn, Eren, you were supposed to bring your sister!”

“Not my fault she got scheduled last minute. Besides, I brought Armin, isn’t that better?”

Armin’s stomach felt like it had dropped right out of him and onto the floor. All of a sudden all eyes were on him. Some of these people he hadn’t talked to in four years, though not for a lack of them trying to stay in touch. The blonde was starting to wonder how many awkward silences there would be tonight. Fortunately, this time, it was Sasha who broke it. She bounded over from the bar and flung herself on Armin, all while managing to not spill a drop of her drimk. It was pretty impressive.

“Armin, oh my gosh, it’s been forever! How are you!? It’s so good to see you!”

Armin felt two more bodies pile onto him, along with Ymir’s muffled voice, obviously pressed against someone’s back. “Dog pile on Armin!”

The weight was removed before the blonde could collapse from it and cause an even bigger scene. Once his face was no longer squished into Sasha’s armpit, he saw that Reiner and Jean had pulled his friends off. Connie had been the third body, and was grinning from ear to ear as he was lifted completely off the ground by Reiner. It almost felt like they were back in school again, having the whole gang together like this. It would have been nice, if it didn’t also remind Armin of why he had lost touch with all his friends in the first place.

It wasn’t long before Jean and Marco headed backstage to get ready for their show. A few bands had already played, but Eren and the others were still busy talking and goofing off. They were all interested in Dark Horses and No Name, and Armin wasn’t going to complain. He sat in the corner offering the occasional not or smile to show he was listening, but not much beyond that. Bertholdt ended up sitting next to him on the floor, pulling his knees in close to his chest to try and stay out of anyone’s way. For such a tall guy, he did a good job of it. Bertholdt had always been kind of quiet like Armin, so the blonde didn’t mind his company.

Just when it seemed like the band they came for would never come on, Jean’s voice sounded over the speakers announcing Dark Horses. A loud cheer rang out as he gave the news that they had partnered with No Name and would be their official opener on the next tour. Armin applauded and cheered along with his friends, smiling when he realized they managed to be the loudest even among the raucous noise of the crowd. Dark Horses must have gotten popular in the last couple of years. Jean and Marco had to start before the cheering had fully died down.

The music was… just as Armin had remembered it. Not exactly his taste. Marco had described it as Electropunk at one point? With an emphasis on the electro part. Armin leaned against a wall and felt the bass vibrate the air in his lungs as he watched his friends jumping up and down to the music. He was glad they were having fun, but he still felt a bit uneasy. Everyone seemed occupied, so the blonde pulled a cigarette and lighter out of his pocket and lit up. He hadn’t started smoking until he moved into his own place, and he knew his friends would pitch a fit if they found out about his vice. But that first lungful of nicotine calmed his buzzing nerves like nothing else could.

Movement in the corner of Armin’s vision had him quickly snuffing out the ember on the end of his smoke against the brick wall, only to realize it was someone he didn’t already know. The man pulled out an expensive-looking lighter and offered it to Armin, barely looking at him the entire time. 

“What are you, twelve? Finish your smoke, kid.”

Armin caught a whiff of cologne and body odor as he leaned in to re-light his cigarette with the offered lighter. He looked up as he exhaled a cloud of smoke, trying to place where he had seen the man before. Slicked back hair, seedy pencil beard, hat…

“Name’s Kenny. I’ve seen you around town, kid. Figured you had an agent already. Imagine my surprise when I learned you were working completely due free in my neighborhoods. Now I don’t usually do business with boys, but you’re a sweet little trap, aren’t you? I’d strongly suggest you call me later, and we can make a deal. If not, well…”

The man snatched Armin’s cigarette from between his fingers and replaced it with a bit of paper with a phone number on it, all in one swift movement. He put out the cigarette and crumpled it up, walking away into the crowd. The blonde felt like there was ice in his veins, and it took him a moment to regain enough control of his limbs to stumble back to the safety of his friends.


	2. Love's A Hell Of A Drug, But I'll Take A Smoke Over You Any Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just gonna keep the ball rolling, see if I can actually finish this thing and make it any good

“Seriously guys, don’t be dicks, okay? I know you’re all huge fans, but this deal can still be fucked up, so don’t ruin it for me and Marco.”

Jean’s warning was aimed directly at Eren, but the brunette didn’t seem to be paying attention. No Name was his favorite band, he must be so excited about actually meeting them that not even Jean nagging him could bring him down. The blonde was leading the little group down a hallway to the boffer pit where Marco and No Name were resting after their performance. Apparently the band was contractually obligated to stay until the crowds had dispersed, because the lead singer had once knocked someone out for getting his jacket dirty.

Armin was the last to enter the room, hanging at the back of the pack with Bertholdt. He was still feeling a bit shaken up by his encounter earlier, which had ruined what could have been a significantly less shitty night than usual. When he did shuffle into the room, however, he saw Levi Ackerman, lead singer of No Name, quirking his eyebrow at a very embarrassed-looking Eren. The brunette must have already done something to embarrass himself, not even a minute into meeting his idol.

The man was sprawled out across one end of an old plush sectional that looked far too big to have fit through any of the doors into the building. Hange and Mike were taking up a bit less space, and shifted to let some of the group sit with them. Sasha immediately went to sit by Hange and asked for their pronouns, which set everything in motion. Cushions were dragged out and everyone who didn’t feel like squishing onto the couch made themselves comfy on the floor.

“You got a damn good way of showing us your gratitude, Kirstein.”

That was the first thing Levi had said after at least ten minutes of conversation. Armin worried for a moment that they were imposing, until Jean grinned. No one could look that at ease around the intimidating man if he was actually mad at them. “Didn’t you check the cooler after your show? I stocked it with the good shit, as a special thank you just for you, Boss.”

Levi rolled off of the couch where he had remained sprawled out despite his band members’ efforts to be polite and make room. He turned and glared at everyone on the floor, the threat obvious without him even needing to say anything. Anyone who stole his seat would not like what happened when he got back.

Armin couldn’t help watching the raven as he moved. He’d been so distracted during No Name’s performance, and now he felt kind of bad about it. He couldn’t exactly join in discussion about music, because he hadn’t been listening, and didn’t even know where to begin. Not like Eren. The brunette had taken up a spot next to Mike, completely unperturbed by the man’s tendency to sniff whoever got near him. Now they were happily discussing drum beats and music theory.

Armin wasn’t interested in that discussion in the least. He was eyeing the catlike way Levi moved, the way the raven stalked to the cooler and dug through the ice until he pulled out a bottle of clear liquor. He was starting to regret not really watching the man perform. It must have been spectacular.

Levi gave Armin a look when he flopped back onto the couch. The blonde felt his cheeks flush and quickly looked down. He fiddled with his overly long sleeves, trying to pretend like he hadn’t been eyeing the man like a hungry animal. He couldn’t keep his gaze from flicking back to the raven every so often, a slight thrill coursing through him whenever he met those steel gray eyes.

The blonde’s flirting was cut short by Eren scooting a bit closer to Levi. The man’s gaze snapped immediately to Eren, his eyes narrowed. Eren rubbed the back of his head, a nervous habit he had. “Hey, so uuh… I mean…”

“Spit it out, brat.”

“Right, I just wanted to say that I didn’t mean what I said earlier. I just can’t not snap back at Jean. He has this annoying, smug-ass face that gets under my skin, and…”

Levi cut Eren off with a raised finger. He downed his glass of liquor and poured another shot for himself. “Okay, and why do I care?”

“Uuh, I mean, I just… You’re kinda my idol and I don’t want you to think I’m weird or something, okay!?”

Eren just couldn’t be tactful. Armin mentally facepalmed and flopped onto his pillow. He caught a look from Bertholdt, but quickly turned his attention back to the conversation happening on the couch.

“We’re a band built on weird, kid. I’d be offended if you came in and tried to shake my hand. Don’t be so damn uptight.”

Eren immediately relaxed. It was an obvious difference as soon as he let his shoulders slump and a grin creep across his face.

“Right, okay! So, like, I know this isn’t a press conference or anything, but I always wanted to know why you guys didn’t get a tenor for the vocals. I love your balance, but it’s not typical, y’know?”

Levi snorted into his drink, slowly nursing what Armin was starting to think was vodka. He wondered exactly how much the raven was able to drink without even seeming phased. “Because it’s my band, and I’m shit at playing instruments.”

Eren seemed unsure of how to react. He definitely expected something different, if his conversation with Mike was anything to go by.

“Look, I’m not classically trained or some shit like that, if that’s what you were expecting. I can’t even read sheet music for fuck’s sake. I just know what I think sounds good, and I trust these two to find instrumentals that make it sound better.”

Eren nodded, taking Levi’s little speech in. The chatter from the rest of the group filled the silence between the two, and Armin turned away to focus on something else. He felt his pack of cigarettes practically burning a hole in his pocket, and remembered how he’d barely been allowed to finish half of one earlier. But how to get to it with all his friends around?

“Anyone else gotta take a leak, or is it just me?”

God bless Drunk Connie, the mouthy bastard. Even more so than usual. Apparently he and Sasha had no problem delving into the afterparty stash Jean had brought for Levi and his band. The Raven snorted and pointed to a door on the opposite wall, which apparently had a private bathroom. For a low end garage, this place sure seemed set up to accommodate the musically inclined. 

Once Connie had emptied his bladder, Armin quietly got up and headed to the bathroom himself. There was no smoke detector, so he quickly pulled out a cigarette and lit it, drawing in a long puff of smoke. In hindsight chain smoking on his down time at work probably wasn’t the best idea, especially if he was going to be spending more time around Eren and the gang. But damn, did it hit the spot right now! The blonde took long drags to finish up quickly, flicking the butt into the toilet to be flushed when he was done. At least the whole place smelled like alcohol, smoke, and a bit of vape juice, so the reek of burnt tobacco clinging to his clothes wasn’t as noticeable.

At least that’s what Armin thought. He caught Bertholdt looking at him again, and noticed that Levi raised an eyebrow at him as he sat back down.

“Have a good shit?”

Eren giggled at the raven’s comment, but Armin felt his face heating up again. “What’s it to ya. You know I… err, th-that’s a pretty personal question, considering we just met.”

Levi definitely caught his hesitation. Armin flushed harder, wondering if the raven had any idea what he had been about to say. But Levi just shrugged and returned to chatting with Eren and, surprisingly, Jean. How had he managed to get the two to speak civilly towards each other?

The night went on like that for a while, until one by one everyone started leaving for their homes and their beds. Connie and Sasha had taken an uber, thank god. Those two trying to find their way to their car was a scary enough thought, let alone being let loose on the roads. An equally drunk Ymir was dragged off by Christa, who kept apologizing to Mike for her girlfriend trying to fight with him. At least it was after her fourth drink. Armin was about to ask Eren if he wouldn’t mind walking him to his car when he felt a soft tap on his shoulder.

“Oi kid, wait here a minute.”

Armin chewed his lip, but didn’t move from where he now stood. His curiosity outweighed his caution, and he waited for Levi to see off everyone else, assuring them that he wouldn’t sleep on the couch again. He returned with a sharpie in hand and grabbed Armin’s wrist, to much protest. Levi’s grip was strong, though, and he wrote a phone number down on the blond’s arm despite his struggling.

“Text me so I’ve got your number. I saw you talking with Kenny. You can tell he’s bad news, can’t you? Don’t trust a word that fucker says, you got me? If he ever bugs you, call me. I don’t care if you have to charge me for it. I’m here most days, got a room upstairs. If you can’t call, find me.

Armin’s confusion was written plainly on his face, but Levi didn’t bother explaining himself. Instead he led the way out of a back door and back to the main street.

“So, you got a way to get home?”

“Uuh, yeah, I’m parked a couple blocks away, why?”

“I’ll walk you.”


	3. You Can Reach Me At A Payphone On The Corner Of 18th And Loneliness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case the screen names are confusing; Pringles Can = Sasha, Springboard = Connie, Jeagerbomb = Eren, Bear-Tholdt = Bert, Bara Babe = Reiner, Ackertastic (Eren thought of it) = Mikasa, Armin Arm-out = Armin

The next few days were business as usual for Armin. He would wake up, work, go to sleep, maybe eat somewhere in there if he felt like it. He worked from home for the most part, relying on his usual clients and the appointments he’d already booked. He was trying to buy himself time before he had to decide whether to call Kenny or not. Hell, he still hadn’t texted Levi. Of course the man was in his contacts, because Armin had had to wash the phone number off his wrist, but he hadn’t sent that text yet.

The blonde lay on the futon in his living room in nothing but a shirt, fiddling with his phone as he finished up a cigarette. He put out the red hot ember in the ashtray he’d placed on the floor, wrinkling his nose as it singed the filter and filled his nose with an acrid stench. Armin considered sending Levi a quick “hello,” even started typing out a quick explanation, but he couldn’t bring himself to hit send. If he did, there’d probably be a reply, then he’d have to figure out what to say back, and it was just a whole ordeal the young man did not want to go through yet. Instead he flipped back to his recent messages, scrolling through the conversations and trying to figure out what they were about by the little preview so he didn’t have to open them.

Eren’s name was the one he finally decided to open, and the backlogged messages were blessedly few.

_4 Days Ago: Hey Ar made it home What did Levi keep you behind for? ;)_

_11:18 am: Yo, the gang is gonna head over to Reiner and Bert’s place for pizza and games tonight You wanna come?_

_11:30 am: Connie just challenged Jean to a throwdown in Smash it’s gonna be lit!_

Messages from the others confirmed the challenge. Reiner had already started taking bets, and apparently was accepting payment in both cash and packages of beef jerky. Teriyaki, to be specific. Armin snorted, a smile spreading across his face for the first time in days. Hey, it would be good to get out of the house sometime this week. Moments after he told Eren he’d be there, his phone was blown up by messages from a new group chat he’d been added to. It took him a moment to remember how to mute messages so he could read what was going on without having his phone vibrate right out of his hand.

_Pringles Can: okay, but who’s bringing the booze?_

_Jeagerbomb: Can’t campus is substance-free remember?_

_Pringles Can: you can keep it in me and connie’s fridge XD we have no such rules_

_Jeagerbomb: Yeah like it’ll be there when I come to pick it up_

_Springboard: that’s just a risk you have to take, Mister Bombastic_

_Bear-tholdt: Is there a weekend where you two /don’t/ drink?_

_Springboard: nope_

_Pringles Can: not a one_

_Ackertastic (Eren thought of it): I’m in the dorms as well._

_Bara Babe: well me and Bertie are hosting this shindig and we’re gonna have to clean up when you assholes leave, so we’re exempt_

_Armin Arm-out: I’ll bring it if I can crash at your place tonight. Don’t want to drive drunk._

_Bara Babe: deal!_

_Bara Babe: btdubs, have you seriously not changed your screenname since high school?_

_Springboard: hey, don’t mess with Perfection man!_

_Armin set his phone down by the ashtray and rubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands. Apparently he was going to another event this weekend. He wasn’t used to being this socially active, and it was making him tired already. Still, even if he didn’t really feel like part of the group any more, his old friends were still fun to watch. They had a great balance, and it would be better than sitting at home watching TV in his underwear all weekend. Speaking of underwear…_

_Armin rolled off the futon and went to his bedroom to find something decent to wear to a get-together with friends. He had to do a bit of digging to find something both appropriate and clean, but he finally settled on a pair of white jeans and a cute sweater with a bunny on it. With a second thought, he added a long sleeve shirt underneath, to help combat the late September cold._

_\-------_

_“Armin, my man, what’d you bring us!?”_

_Connie already smelled like cheap beer, and Armin wondered if he was pregaming or already celebrating a victory. Still, he held up the packs of beer and cider he’d gotten, along with a bottle of Jagermeister. Connie’s grin widened and he seemed to lean even more of his weight onto the blonde. “Hey Eren!! Guess what you’re doing tonight!!”_

_Armin winced and dropped connie off onto his girlfriend, causing both of them to fall over in a fit of giggles. Eren appeared in the hallway that led from the garage to the house that Bert, Reiner, and Annie shared the rent on. The brunette smiled when he saw his friend, grabbing one of the cases of alcohol to help carry it in._

_“Do you have any idea what Connie was talking about? I think he’s a little preoccupied to remember.”_

_Armin just smiled and pulled the bottle out of the brown paper bag it had been wrapped in. Eren threw his head back and groaned as he led the way into the kitchen where pizza boxes took up every space that wasn’t already used for chips, drinks, and a single platter of vegetables that looked very out of place among all the junk food. Bertholdt and Marco were sitting on a couple of bar stools by the kitchen island, chatting. Bertholdt took the other case of drinks from Armin and cleared a space for them on the floor, gracious host that he was._

_“So, have I missed the big match yet? A couple more drinks and I think Connie might be too wasted to put up much of a fight.”_

_Marco, Bertholdt, and Eren exchanged looks that told most of the story already. “Connie refused to compete until Jean was as inebriated as him,” Marco explained with a heavy sigh. “So he’s playing Halo with Reiner and rage drinking.”_

_“Oh…” Armin winced, hearing an incomprehensible shout from the other side of the wall. “Has he gotten any better at Halo since…”_

_“No.”_

_Armin was cut off by three simultaneous answers. There was a short pause, then all four of them erupted into laughter. A string of profanities from Jean in the other room just made them laugh harder, until Armin was doubled over and clinging onto the corner of the bar to keep from falling over. They were just calming down into sporadic fits of giggles when Annie stalked into the kitchen with Mikasa in tow. The blonde girl headed straight for the food, ignoring everyone else in the kitchen as she loaded up a plate. Mikasa, however, headed straight for Armin. She didn’t run, but there was an urgency to her pace that Armin noticed, and then really noticed in her crushing hug._

_“Hi, Mikasa… Umm, could you let me breathe, please?”_

_“No. I haven’t seen you in years, Armin, what the hell?”_

_The blonde shrugged in his friend’s tight embrace, staring at the floor even when she let him go. He couldn’t help smiling when she squished his cheeks between her hands just like she used to, and finally met her gaze. “Sorry, I don’t really know what to say for myself.”_

_“That’s fine, as long as you promise not to do it again.”_

_“I promise,” Armin lied. Mikasa seemed skeptical, but was distracted from her scrutinizing of Armin when Annie walked back over and tugged on her scarf. Once he was free, Armin grabbed a hard cider for himself and searched the cabinets for a glass to pour it in. He didn’t realize he had an audience as he filled the cup with ice, the apple cider, and then a splash of Jagermeister. Not until he heard a couple of disgusted groans and looked up to see Connie, Eren, and Reiner huddled around his concoction, watching the dark liquor cloud the pale golden cider._

_“Well Jeager, you know what you gotta do now, right?”_

_“Oh no way in hell, Connie. No way am I ruining a perfectly good cider with that licorice death!”_

_“Tell you what, if Connie loses I’ll waive your bet if you drink it.”_

_Both Connie and Eren gaped at Reiner in horror. Bertholdt sighed and munched on something green from the veggie platter. He was obviously disappointed in his boyfriend. Armin casually sipped his drink, wincing at the kick of alcohol at first. He wasn’t a heavy drinker, partly because he preferred nicotine, and partly because he was a lightweight when it came to alcohol. It didn’t take long for Connie to start accusing Reiner of stacking the bets against him, claiming that it would ‘mess up his game.’ His ruckus drew a rather intoxicated Jean into the kitchen, where he challenged Connie to their duel through a mouthful of pizza and brownies that Armin hadn’t noticed before. He grabbed one for himself as the group headed to the living room after the two young men who were nearly at blows over a video game._

_Armin nursed his drink as the match was set up, giggling at his friends’ antics. Even though they were sloppy drunk, they finally got the game together, and didn’t seem too handicapped by what Armin could tell. He had never been one for Smash, though. His only strategy was to button smash and try not to accidentally throw himself off the map. Connie eventually won, which apparently was an upset to everyone watching._

_“I never thought getting drunk could be an actual strategy, but you actually played better than usual.”_

_“Oh shut it Eren, you’re just glad you don’t have to drink the Jager-Cider Bomb.”_

_The mention of alcohol reminded Armin of his own glass, which he realized had been sitting empty for a while. He got up to get himself another drink, perusing the liquors that were set out at the bar. He poured himself a rather generous shot of vodka, dropping a couple of ice cubes into the glass as an afterthought. When the blonde turned around to head back to the couch and sip his new drink, he ran straight into someone’s chest. He only realized it was Bertholdt when he had to crane his head back to look at the person’s face._

_“Hey, Armin, did you get my message the other day?”_

_The blonde frowned, putting his glass to his lips as he bought time to try and remember. An image of Bert’s name in bold above a simple “Can we talk?” flashed in his mind’s eye, and Armin lowered his gaze back to his friend’s chest._

_“It’s nothing bad, I just wanted to see how you were doing. I mean, you barely talk to anyone for four years, ignore our messages and stop hanging out with us… then you show up to a rock concert looking kinda underweight and smoking in the bathroom. Sorry, I... couldn't help but notice it.”_

_Armin had flinched, lowering his gaze further to the ground. He swished the liquor in his cup, trying to think of something to say. He just couldn’t come up with anything, though. He felt Bert’s hand on his shoulder, and while he didn’t move to shrug it off, he still didn’t meet the young man’s gaze. He took another sip of the burning liquid and forced a smile onto his face._

_“I’m fine. I’ve just been… through a bit of a rough spot, I guess. Sorry for everything I put you through, Bert.”_

_Bertholdt seemed about ready to protest, when the rest of the group flooded into the kitchen with hoots and hollers. Eren grabbed the bottle of Jager and slammed it down on the kitchen table, glaring at Jean. It was never a good thing when those two looked so intense. The brunette had probably gotten himself talked into something stupid again. Connie’s cheer of “Jagerbawmb!” at the top of his lungs confirmed that. Bertholdt let his hand drop back to his own side, giving Armin a look full of sadness and pity._

_Armin downed the last few gulps of his vodka and grabbed another cider, heading outside to stand by the garage door. Everyone else was distracted and Bert already knew, he might as well have a smoke. The alcohol was definitely starting to make the blond’s head fuzzy, and he felt his usual drunken frustration. He didn’t quite go into the realm of an angry drunk, but pissy wasn’t too far off. After chugging the cider and finishing his smoke, Armin decided it would be a good idea to text Levi, trying his damndest to make the message coherent. He pulled out another cigarette and after a moment of hesitation, decided it was also a good idea to call the number Kenny had given him, and bitch out whoever answered._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember kids, even if it's socially acceptable, drinking can make you do some stupid shit. I based Armin's alcohol tolerance on my own, and I can guarantee that when bringing hard liquor into the mix, he could definitely get beyond wasted after four drinks. I've never tried the Jager-Cider Bomb, though, lol! I'll get back to you on how it tastes eventually.


	4. Green Isn't Your Color Honey. You Look So Much Better In Black And Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit starts going down for poor Armin

Armin struggled to sleep through the night, a horrible case of the spins eventually forcing him from the couch onto the floor, where everything felt at least a little more stable. He was woken again only a few hours later when he heard an alarm go off, and someone pad quietly from one of the bedrooms to the kitchen. The blonde tried to get back to sleep, but it just wasn’t happening. He groaned softly and sat up, entering the kitchen himself and making a beeline for the faucet. He didn’t even bother with a glass, drinking from his cupped hands over the sink.

“Would you like some coffee?”

Bertholdt leaned against the counter beside Armin, looking pretty chipper for being up so early. Armin forgot what a morning person he was. The fact he hadn’t drank the night before probably helped as well. Armin nodded and moved to the table, where he slumped over and rested his head in his pillowed arms.

“You can stay here until you feel well enough to drive,” Bertholdt commented as he scooped grounds into his coffee machine.

Armin grunted in acknowledgement of the offer, but he wasn’t sure he felt like sticking around too long. He could see it in his friend’s body language that Bertholdt was still thinking about their conversation last night. To ward off revisiting the topic, he pulled out his phone to fiddle around with it until the coffee was ready. He noticed his phone app was still up, and felt his blood turn to ice at the number that had most recently been called. The name had been changed, but he vaguely remembered changing Kenny’s contact last night. He could only guess what he’d said, but it didn’t seem good considering the man’s new name on his phone was “DickTits.”

“Is everything okay?” Bertholdt asked as he set out a mug for Armin. “You look… worried.” 

The blonde tried to regain control of his expression, taking a few deep breaths before answering. “Y-yeah. Just nauseous is all. Didn’t want to barf on your table.”

Bertholdt grimaced, hesitantly rubbing Armin's back. He went to pour the coffee and sat down next to Armin, a look of concern in his eyes. The blonde could feel him trying to work his way up to that conversation again, and he couldn't find any way to avoid it.

"You know none of us are mad at you, right? We're just worried. Armin, after your grandfather... it's like you became a different person. You're still that person, as far as I can see. I just want you to know that, well, we're here for you when you're ready to come back, okay? I know it'll take time, but the sweet, smart guy I knew back in High School is still in there somewhere. You're our friend, and all we want is the best for you."

Armin didn't say anything, biting the inside of his cheek to keep from grimacing too hard. From the outside it probably looked like he'd been moved by Bert's little speech, and the guy probably thought he'd helped or something. But he was wrong. Armin knew his friend was trying his best, but he wasn't someone different. It was like Bert thought he'd been replaced by a changeling or something. He wanted to yell that sometimes people change, that sometimes there's no coming back from certain things, but all he did was tear up. He wiped angrily at his eyes and took his coffee outside so he could he could light up, giving Bert a look that said "don't follow me."

\-------

Armin actually didn’t have much trouble the next few days. He was expecting to be jumped at some point on his way home, but he hadn’t even noticed any shifty characters following him around when he had to leave the apartment. He decided to keep working from home for a while just in case, but a week before he had to pay his bills he realized that he was running a bit short. There was no way he could just rely on his regular clients to book appointments. He’d had to lower prices to get them to go out of their way, and he was pretty much shooting himself in the foot by doing that. He had to go out and work the tracks.

He was hanging out at a small park in the middle of town, smoking like a chimney as he tried to make eye contact with anyone passing close enough. He was a little chilly, sitting on the cold metal bench in a short skirt, sheer tights, and a cute button-up and sweater vest combination. He’d noticed a girl a little older than him giving him nasty looks, but he just continued taking drags off his cigarette, trying to look casual and do a few tricks with the smoke. He’d just managed to make a decent smoke ring when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

“Hey, you got any other tricks?”

Armin looked over his shoulder coyly, smiling at the guy who’d gotten his attention. The guy looked a bit older than him, but not by too much. His sandy hair fell in waves over his face, giving the guy a surfer dude look that definitely did not match their current location.

“Yeah, depends on what you got. I need to see money first.”

The man wrinkled his nose, looking around the small park. His gaze lingered on the woman at the other end, leaning against some old memorial statue and still giving Armin this look like she was sniffing shit.

“C’mon, not here. Lemme take you somewhere more private, then you can see it. It won’t hurt you to take a walk, will it?”

Armin looked the man up and down. He hadn’t seen him around before, but a lot of things could change in two weeks. And besides, he was desperate for the money. Despite the tiny voice of doubt in the back of his head, he hopped off the bench and crooked his finger to indicate that the guy follow him. Before he could start heading to one of his regular spots, though, a hand on his back guided him in the opposite direction.

“What? Where are we going?” Armin noticed that the woman was gone, and cold dread coursed through him. He tried to push it down, going through all the reasonable explanations for what was happening, until he was led down an alley and saw the same woman waiting for him with a small group of about three or four guys.

“We were just about thinking that you’d actually been smart and given up on this track. The Boss is gonna be glad to hear we actually found you. He didn’t appreciate the way you talked to him, boy.”

Armin struggled against the man holding him, but to no avail. As soon as he moved to flee, his arms were held painfully behind him, leaving him exposed to the group of men. He realized then that one of them had a bat, another something metallic around his knuckles that the blonde couldn’t quite make out. He didn’t get enough time to figure out everything he was going to get beat with before the first blow landed, the wooden bat right to his exposed stomach. Armin doubled over, gagging as his insides roiled from the blow.

It seemed like forever that the beating went on. Armin vomited at least once, realizing dully that the men were aiming for places that could be easily covered. They weren’t aiming for his arms or face. They really were working for Kenny, and Kenny wanted him to still be able to work. 

He tried not to cry from the pain, not wanting to give his attackers the satisfaction. He couldn’t help the few small sobs that escaped him, though, and once he had been left alone for a good long while, his tears couldn’t be stopped. Everything hurt, and he felt like he might throw up again, and he wanted nothing more than to go home and curl up in his bed and never leave. But if he didn’t keep working, he might not be able to call his apartment home any more.

When the blonde had finally cried himself out, he forced himself to sit up. His stomach protested, and a sharp pain in his side made him hiss, but he couldn’t just sit there in a filthy alley and feel sorry for himself. When he limped back to the park with one hand clutched to his right side, he spotted th ewoman from before flagging him down. "You know, I was there when you called Daddy. I asked if I could help corner you because he was about to be beat too. He has a bit of a temper, but he's not stupid. Not like you. So here's the deal. You can work our spots, but we'll be keeping track of how many dates you go on. Daddy will charge you his rates for each guy, you owe him sixty percent of that. If you're smart you'll join up with us and that rate'll lower. So think about it, kid. He collects at the end of each week. Don't worry, he'll find you."

Armin walked back to his bench without answering, limping heavily now that he didn't have anything to help support his weight. A feeling of hopelessness washed over his as he did the math on how much more he'd have to do to make rent for the month under Kenny's so-called deal. And that was only if the man charged the same as he did. If it was more, then the blonde would be in trouble, but he really didn't want to go crawling back to Kenny's girl and ask what the rates were. He had to cling to whatever sense of pride he could, or else what was the point?


	5. Do, Do, Do The Panic!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter went on a little long! I kept trying to end it earlier, but it just wouldn't let me!
> 
> The song Eren sings is Game Freak (Acoustic) by Ghost Town  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fpdqgd118CQ

Armin managed to pay his rent, but his bank account was looking pretty slim. He looked over the money he had, vaguely wondering if it would be possible to use one of those squares so he could take credit cards on the street corners. After a few minutes of entertaining the idea, he dismissed it. Not because it wouldn’t be awesome, but because he’d probably end up getting busted by the paper trail.

The blonde got up to make himself a pot of tea, wincing at the movement. It had only been a few days since his beating at the hands of Kenny’s lackeys, and he was still pretty sore. His legs were black and blue and his left knee was hard to put too much weight on, but what was most concerning was his chest. He figured he probably had a bruised rib or two, considering how he was still able to move and all. But it hurt to breathe, and it made work hard. His stash of advil and tylenol wasn’t helping much, either.

That left the boy with a tough decision. He still had to pay Kenny, so he could either get a bit of food, or try to find a walk in clinic that didn’t cost an arm and a leg. First he would make his tea, though. The blonde was just pouring the boiling water over a bag of Irish Breakfast when he heard a quick rap on his door. The noise sent chills through him and made him jump. And of course after that he hissed in pain from the sudden movement.

Armin opened the door cautiously, poking his head out to see who had interrupted his breakfast. He found a young man with close cropped black hair, who immediately put his foot in the cracked door to keep it from closing.

“Oh good, I did find the right place. Name's Franz. Kenny sent me. He needs two hundred bucks from you, and I’m meant to mention that he’s very disappointed you didn’t try harder. If you don’t make him enough he’ll have to start giving you a quota to meet.”

Armin blinked at the man, trying to muddle through what he was saying. He looked back at the kitchen table, where he had his earnings set out, then back to the person slowly shoving their way into his door.

“Stay here, I’ll get it for you. You set one more foot into my house and I’m calling the cops.”

The man just chuckled, kicking the door open as Armin turned around. He didn’t step into the apartment, though. Just let the freezing morning air in. Armin quickly counted out his money, another wave of anxiety pumping through his veins as he realized how little he would have left after this. He wanted to cry, but refused to give this man the satisfaction of seeing him break down. When he begrudgingly handed the money over, the guy looked Armin up and down, almost calculating.

“I hear you got beat up pretty bad. Not smart to go bad mouthing Kenny like that. He’s real vindictive, y’know? Hey, if you need any help with meds, I sell uuh… discount prescriptions. I could give you a deal since you’re a first time customer.”

Armin frowned heavily, scoffing at the kid in front of him. As if. Without an answer he slammed the door, not caring if it closed on the guy’s foot. Unfortunately Franz moved it out of the way in time, meaning no satisfying crunch. Armin may be in a bad situation, but he sure as hell knew better than to go getting wrapped up in drugs. He went to the coffee table to grab a smoke with breakfast, but stopped in the middle of putting it to his mouth. That’s right, he’d stopped until his chest had healed.

It would just be caffeine for the moment, then. The blonde sat down to sip his drink grumpily, still trying to figure out what to do. It was just when he realized how few choices he had that Armin’s phone rang. The sudden noise scared the shit out of him, which didn’t help improve his mood at all. He couldn’t help the pissy tone he had when he answered.

“What?”

_“Woah, sorry dude, is this a bad time?”_

“No, Jean, sorry. Just not feeling too well.” It wasn’t technically a lie, but the fact it was so easy to brush everything off made Armin’s insides squirm a little. Or… it could be the fact that he’d been beaten shitless a few days ago.

_“Oh, uuh… Well I was gonna invite you to come hang with me and the gang tonight. We’re having a jam session at the garage, and Levi said it was fine to bring some friends over. Kinda like… a private show, y’know? So, you in?”_

Armin could feel the tension as Jean waited for his answer. The two had been pretty close in school, so it must have hurt Jean just as bad when Armin had checked out of all his friendships. But then he’d found Marco, and Armin had assumed he’d gotten over it. After all, those two were nearly inseparable. Armin couldn’t lie to himself and say it hadn’t hurt to see how close they had gotten in such a short amount of time.

“Uuh, I might need to work today, but if I’m in the area I’ll stop by.”

More silence, and Armin swore if he ever had to sit through another awkward silence he might just rip his hair out.

_“Hey, if you don’t want to come that’s fine, just tell me, yeah? You have this shitty way of getting people’s hopes up, just to leave them in the dark.”_

Okay, ouch. But Jean wasn’t one to keep his thoughts to himself. “I just… Money’s tight, Jean. And… I don’t know if I can decide quickly. I just don’t want to give you an answer and then regret it later, okay?”

_“Alright, as long as you’re being straight with me. Text me when you make up your mind, kay?”_

“Yeah, I will.”

Armin set his phone down, sipping his tea as he thought of what he wanted to do today. Maybe if he tried working downtown, near where the garage was, he’d be able to manage hanging out. Maybe he’d even get away with making some money that wouldn’t be taken right back out of his hands. He wasn’t sure where Kenny’s territory ended, but he couldn’t control the whole city, could he? The blonde could keep an eye on the girls working the tracks and see if they had Kenny’s mark on them anywhere.

\-------

Armin tugged on a hoodie as the sun started setting behind the tall buildings downtown. He’d gone for a cute grey and black striped shirt with jeans, trying to class it up for the more sophisticated tastes of the businesses and clubs in the area. He was surprised at how much money he’d made, and felt a little more at ease now that he had more bills lining his wallet.

With some of his stress relieved for the moment, Armin’s mood had lightened considerably. Even with his nicotine cravings and aching body, he decided he might as well take up Jean’s invitation. With the luck he’d had today, there might even be snacks or something. He decided to splurge and park in the same garage he'd used last time, rather than trying to find a discrete and free spot to park like he usually did. He didn't feel like walking too far with his knee already giving him trouble.

When the blonde got to the familiar building, he wondered how exactly he ought to enter. The front doors were closed, the lobby dark and uninviting. He wandered around to the back entrance Levi had shown him, testing the door hesitantly. It opened and Armin walked in, not hearing anything. Did he even have the right time? Maybe no one was here yet? Just as the boy was considering leaving he heard a soft creak from a small staircase he hadn’t noticed before, then a deep baritone voice.

“Fuck, kid, how long you been there?”

Armin shrugged, checking his phone. “Umm, just a few minutes, Jean said something about… a jam session?”

“Right. You play, or are you here to hang?”

Armin snorted, earning a raised eyebrow from Levi. “Sorry, it’s just I was banned from playing the recorder in Elementary School I was so bad. I’m… just here for Jean and the others, I guess.”

A hum from the raven, and then he went about his business at the small bar in the corner. It was more like a kitchenette than a simple wet bar, and Levi must have set it up with a hotplate or something, because pretty soon a squealing teakettle made Armin wince.

“Sorry. Want anything? Got a decent stash of tea, and a few sweets if you’re into that stuff.”

Armin bit his lip and craned his neck to try and see what options Levi had. The man looked unamused, and finally beckoned him up. “I may look like a punk, but I swear I don’t bite… usually.”

The blonde got up carefully, trying to pass off his hesitation as purely nerves. Levi didn’t know his history like his friends did, but Armin was still wary. It was second nature by now, especially with Kenny’s recent extortion. Armin just automatically distanced himself from people. He wasn’t sure if Levi had caught his slight intake of breath when he straightened up, or the way he limped slightly on his way to the bar, but the man didn’t say anything if he did.

Levi smirked slightly when he saw Armin frowning in confusion. There were no boxes of tea bags anywhere that the blonde could see. He was even more confused when Levi grabbed a metal canister and popped the lid off. But once the man started fanning the lid over the opening, Armin smelled the most wonderful tea aroma he’d ever experienced. He closed his eyes and practically moaned as his mouth watered. He opened them again and blushed when he heard a soft chuckle from the man next to him.

“Never had loosleaf, huh? Beats that Twinings crap any day. This is one of my favorites, but feel free to pick whichever you want.”

Armin opened each one of the canisters, sniffing the contents like some sort of drug addict. He finally settled on a wonderfully grassy green tea, and was surprised when Levi pulled out a teapot to brew it in.

“You actually use a pot and everything? That’s awfully fancy for the main vocalist of a punk band, isn’t it?”

“I guess you were expecting something different, then?”

Armin watched as Levi poured two cups, then dressed the pot up in a floral patterned tea cozy. He had a hard time not giggling at the slight absurdity of it. “You could say that, yeah. Do you have any milk and sugar?”

Levi grimaced, but pointed to the mini fridge under the bar counter. “Milk’s in there, sugar in that canister. I can’t believe I poured you a cup just for you to ruin it.”

Despite how serious the man sounded, Armin could tell he was joking. It was just something about the way he seemed almost too offended. It made him smile as he seasoned his tea to taste and sipped at the now milky liquid.

\-------

Armin and Levi were sitting on the couches in the back room when Jean and Marco showed up. Jean smiled when he saw the blonde, and went over to sit next to him. “Hey, glad you could make it Ar. Feeling better, then?”

Armin nodded, sipping at the dregs of his tea. He shook his head as Levi went to pour him another cup, knowing that he’d be awake all night if he had any more. “Yeah. Who else is coming?”

“Ugh, Eren…” Jean grimaced, and Marco gently patted the crook of his elbow. “And Mikasa and Annie are tagging along. Everyone else I talked to was busy. Dunno if Levi invited anyone.”

The raven shrugged, pouring himself another mug of tea. “Erwin and Mike might be available. The fucking dorito better be, he is our manager after all. Need him to go over some paperwork and shit for the tour in a few months.”

“Dorito?” Armin frowned, looking to Jean and Marco for an explanation. It was Marco who finally supplied it.

“Oh, well, Erwin looks a lot like Captain America, and a while ago there was this thing about… uum…”

“The ratio of his shoulders to his crotch is the same as a dorito. If he gets here I can show you. He made me delete the pictured I had.”

Armin snorted. Of course, leave it to Levi to notice something like that. The two hadn’t even talked that much while they were waiting for people to show up, but he had gotten a bit of a sense of the man’s character.

“If you wanna go set up you can.” Levi spoke around the lip of his cup, holding it delicately by the rim. “Know it can take a while to get all those damn wires sorted, Marco.”

The freckled boy nodded, heading out to the stage to roll out his synthesizer. He kept it in a small locked supply closet along with more instruments and equipment that Armin wouldn’t have the faintest idea how to use. The blonde made sure to stay behind the others as they filed out to the stage, and was careful as he found a comfy place to sit. He thought he felt someone’s gaze on him, but when he looked around the other three were busy. Had he seen Levi look away a little too quickly to answer something Jean had asked him? No, he had to be imagining things.

Marco was still calibrating equipment when there was a loud banging on the glass of the front door. Jean groaned and hopped off the stage, already raising his voice enough to echo through the empty front lobby.

“God damnit Jeager! I told you to use the back door! Can you not follow the simplest of fucking instructions!?”

Armin sighed, slouching in the corner he’d ended up claiming as his own. He was getting pretty bored, and fiddling with his phone answering emails and social media had started to give him a headache. The blonde didn’t notice he was rubbing his temple until something was shoved in front of his face. He realized it was a vape pen and looked up at the man offering it to him. Levi didn’t make eye contact, instead dropping the contraption into Armin’s lap and leaning on the wall nearby.

“Don’t look so surprised. I know nicotine withdrawal when I see it, and you’re not trying to quit based on the lighter you still have in your pocket. Shit’s not the same as a cigarette, but it’s easier on the throat and lungs.”

Armin picked up the pen and inspected it for a moment, figuring out how the model worked. He could almost cry when he put it to his lips and took a heavy hit. It was such a relief, and he realized only after it stopped that his head had been buzzing. The boy breathed in vapor like it was air for a few more moments, before letting the small silver pen rest comfortably in his palm.

“Fuck, you have no idea how much I needed that.”

“Thirteen years of smoking says otherwise.”

Armin chuckled, running his finger over the little button on the vape pen. He reluctantly handed it back to the raven, who pocketed it and pushed himself off the wall to break up what looked close to a fight between Eren and Jean. Levi grabbed the brunette by his collar, and Marco took Jean by the hand back up to the stage. It seemed awfully intimate, and Armin couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow as the two passed.

Armin moved to the floor as Eren and Levi started getting set up as well. He didn’t want to take up valuable space on the stage. Eren rummaged around among the instruments and pulled out an old beat up looking bass that he quickly started tuning. The brunette had messed around with playing back in High School, but the last Armin had heard, he’d had to stop because of his dad.

It wasn’t long until the small group started actually making music. Marco and Jean were able to cover most of the instruments they didn’t have available, and Eren switched between the bass and a guitar. He cleared his throat at the end of a song, looking almost a bit nervous. That wasn’t like Eren at all.

“Umm, d’you guys mind if I play a little something on my own? It’s… something I was working on a while ago. Wanna see if I can still sing it.”

Eren seemed to mostly be looking at Levi for permission, pretty much ignoring the others on stage. Fortunately Jean didn’t say anything snarky. By the look of it, this was pretty important to Eren. Levi nodded his permission, and Jean and Marco sat down on some metal foldable chairs that had been brought out a while ago.

Eren picked up the guitar and strummed out a few chords. They sounded melancholy, the tone amplified by the fact that the guitar was a simple acoustic, echoing in the stark cement garage. Then Eren closed his eyes and started singing, and all eyes and ears were on him. Armin noticed Levi’s eyebrow quirk in a subtle show of intrigue.

_“Timing’s everything_  
Gotta get that shit right  
It might get tight  
Woah-oh-o-oh  
Timing’s everything  
Gotta get that shit right  
It might get tight  
Breakin’ through that spotlight  
He’s a game freak  
Hurtin’ all them boys he  
He’s a wolf and I like it when he bites me. 

He’s a wolf and I like it when he bites me.”

Eren trailed off, playing a few more chords as he opened his eyes. He started blushing as he set his instrument down and rubbed the back of his head.

“That’s… that’s as far as I ever got. It’s the last thing I wrote before I stopped.”

The jam session went on, and Armin saw something change in the way his friend and Levi interacted on stage. Levi seemed to almost challenge Eren, playing on his fiery nature. Was he impressed, maybe? Eren was definitely a decent musician, even if he was a little rusty from a few years of not practicing. It must be exhilarating for Eren to be on stage and singing with his favorite musician. Armin tried to be happy for his friend, but he found he had an odd sense of unease. Why did he feel so bad all of a sudden? It felt like jealousy, but what did he have to be jealous about?

The feeling festered as the jam session wrapped up and everyone moved back to the little lounge in the back. Armin huddled up in the corner of one of the couches, feeling his fingers itching to go through his routine of grabbing a cigarette and lighting up. Anything to get him out of his own head, to keep his mind from whirling in circles. He almost didn’t notice Eren turning to him to say something, but managed to catch his friend’s comment.

“That was so amazing! I can’t believe it’s been so long since I played! Armin, I think I might actually declare a music major. I just… don’t want to go back to not playing after tonight.”

Armin nodded, managing to fake a smile. Or so he thought. Why did he feel so fucking bad? It was like his throat was full of hot coals and someone had twisted a knife in his chest. At first he was afraid it had something to do with his injuries. Maybe he’d been hurt worse than he thought. Could he be dying? He looked around and noticed that the room was spinning, and way too quiet for his liking.

“H-huh?”

“I said, are you okay?”

Eren repeated himself, bending down a bit to look Armin in the eye. The blonde shook his head and stood up, limping toward the door. He didn’t pay attention to his friends calling after him, confusion evident in their voices even with the way they seemed horribly muffled. Like they were all speaking through water. He escaped into the alley and down the road, claustrophobia following him into the night. The buildings of the city were closing in on him, cars and buses spilling fumes that made him unable to breathe. There were too many people. They were taking up all the air! He couldn’t breathe!


	6. I Must Have Lost Myself On My Way To You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin thought he was smart enough to not do drugs. But the allure of not feeling like shit is too strong for him to resist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the short chapter, but since I didn't really plan out anything before I sat down and started writing, I have to go back and make sure the timing of all these events is right for what I want to do. Until then, enjoy Armin's slide to rock bottom, lol!

Armin didn’t remember getting back to his car, or driving home. He must have turned off his phone, because when he went to check how long his panic attack had lasted the screen was black. It could have died, but he had a vague memory of turning it off to stop the incessant messages from his friends. It was like remembering a movie. He didn’t recall actually killing the power to his phone, but he could picture his white-knuckled fist clutching at the button to try and force it to shut down faster and leave him alone.

The blonde felt dead inside. Like, even more so than usual. Or rather in a different way. Only a few hours ago (or so he assumed. Maybe it was yesterday now?) he just hadn’t given a shit about anything. Like he was sleepwalking or some sort of zombie. Now he felt like he’d been shot in the chest, on top of being punched and kicked there. It was a wonder his hyperventilating hadn’t hurt more, but he had a feeling he’d be regretting it for a while.

Armin gingerly rolled out of bed, walking to the bathroom and turning on the light. He inspected his tearstained face in the mirror, poking and prodding at his cheeks as he tried to feel normal. This always used to happen in school, when he’d have a panic attack. First he sort of whited out, acting without thinking and barely remembering what he did. Then he lost time, and as it wound down, he felt like he was floating outside of his body. But it had been forever since he’d had one. If he thought back, it was probably a month or two after his grandfather died. When he started doing anything he could to just get through each day until he could sleep again.

The blonde was exhausted, and ended up shuffling back to his bed after a while. He lit a cigarette, pulling the ashtray on the floor closer so he wouldn’t burn holes in his carpet. Screw waiting for his ribs to heal. He needed anything to make him not feel for a bit.

Armin tentatively turned his phone on again, wincing as the messages made the thing buzz like it was possessed. He dismissed the notifications, then went through and opened each one, so he wouldn’t have to look at the little marks next to all the names the next time he went into his messenger. Looking at them all made the pain in his chest intensify again, and he quickly exited out of the app before more tears blurred his vision. Eventually he fell asleep, mentally exhausted. It was the only thing he could think of to escape dealing with what had just happened.

\-------

Armin was approached by Franz while he was at work, and he honestly wanted nothing to do with the guy. He’d given up trying to stay away from his cigarettes, and was chain smoking again. The occasional bout of coughing hurt like hell, but at this point he kind of welcomed the pain. Anything to distract him from how shitty his life was.

The blonde glared Franz down as he approached and sat down on the bench. He had a big grin on his face that honestly unsettled Armin a bit. “See you’re still feeling under the weather. You’re a cute kid, and I feel for you, so I brought you a little something.”

Franz held out a baggie with a couple of small, white, round pills in it. He held it out to Armin, who tentatively grabbed them. He was aware of how illegal this was, and was not keen on anyone spotting him being offered drugs. Even if he wasn’t buying them, it was still risky, and it wasn’t like he was in the park for a completely legal reason in the first place. He stuffed the bag in his pocket, tucking it under the condoms he kept there for his clients. 

“Why are you so keen on getting me on this shit? I’m smarter than to ruin my life by using drugs.”

“Are you?” Franz chuckled. “And that’s exactly why. I kinda want to see what you do. You’re smarter than most kids I scope out. To be honest, you shouldn’t be anywhere near here. Me, Kenny, this little career you’ve made for yourself… But here you are. You do look like you could use something to help with the pain, and hey, if you forget about your shitty life for a bit, that’s just a plus, right?”

Armin tried to look indifferent as he listened to the guy talk. Franz was definitely a charismatic guy. The blonde was finding it hard to dislike him. “What exactly is it?”

“Oxycodone. General pain pills, probably something you’d be prescribed anyways, for something like a bruised rib. Yeah, I seen you holding your chest when you cough. I may be selling on the street, but I deal pills because I actually have an interest in medicine, y’know?”

Franz stood and patted Armin on the shoulder. He shrank away from the touch as he watched the drug dealer walk away. The small bag of pills burned a hole in his pocket the rest of the day, until he finally got home. Even if he was considering trying the drug, he was still smart enough not to do it outside his home. He pulled it out of his pocket and practically flung it onto the kitchen table like it had burned him.

Armin paced around his kitchen, a cigarette in his mouth as he stared down the little sandwich bag. The one light over his table made him feel like he was a cop on one of those crime shows, interrogating a suspect. Except he was really interrogating himself. He’d looked up oxycodone while he was at work, read all about it. Incredibly addictive, highly illegal, could fuck up your ability to feel pleasure, really bad withdrawal symptoms. Opiates were pretty hard stuff. Was he really considering jumping down this rabbit hole? He was, and that scared him more than a little.

\-------

Armin was jittery by the time he made it back to the park. He’d had to work a different area to keep up with some of his other regulars, and hadn’t been able to make it back for a couple of days.

Of course, he’d already made it through the three pills by that point. He had only intended to try one. He’d promised himself he would flush the rest, but that hadn’t happened. The sense of ease and wellbeing those little pills had given him was too precious. Armin honestly couldn’t remember the last time he felt so good.

The blonde was elated to find Franz, sitting on the bench he usually took. It was like the dealer was waiting for him. Armin sat down, trying not to look too excited or suspicious.

“Well, someone looks excited to see me,” the raven laughed. “Did you enjoy my little gift?”

Armin worried his lip between his teeth. He didn’t know how to go about asking for more pills, or what price was acceptable. All he knew was that he needed to not feel like shit any more. His confusion must have been evident, because Franz laughed again and reached into his pocket. “It’s okay kid, you’ll learn. But you need to know that it won’t be free from now on.”

Armin nodded his head dumbly, finally finding his voice after a moment. “H-How much?” His heart sank when he thought about everything he’d heard about drugs. Would he even be able to afford more? What would he do if he couldn’t?”

“No need to worry, kid. Normally I charge a few bucks a pill, but I have a deal worked out with Kenny and his girls. If you don’t have the cash to pay me, and you catch me in the right mood, I might accept a free trick in exchange for your candy.”

Armin nodded. That was doable, for sure. He reached for his wallet, only to be stopped by a hand grabbing his wrist and a shake of Franz’s head. “Don’t be stupid, kid. I’m gonna give you my number. Text me how much you got, and I’ll tell you when and where.” He must have seen the look of dismay on Armin’s face, because the raven sighed with a small smile. “Heh, shoulda known you’d be one of those types. Okay, c’mon, follow me.” The dealer stood and guided Armin by his shoulder, surprisingly gentle. “You’re lucky you’re cute, kid. Most of the guys I sell to don’t get anything this good. Now, on your knees.”

\-------

Armin was drugged out when he got a text from Eren. He read it a few times, having to work hard to focus his eyes on the letters on his screen. It wasn’t that he couldn’t focus or understand, he was just so relaxed that he felt he might fall asleep at any moment. He might have gone a little overboard with the pills. He was expecting them to act the same, wearing off after a few hours, but the second one he took only added to the effects of the first. Franz had used a slightly different name, too. Oxy… something. He would bother remembering it when he came down.

Eren wanted to know if Armin was interested in coming to the Halloween event at Levi’s garage. The blonde shrugged to himself, wondering if he was sober enough to drive. He looked down at his legs and decided he definitely wasn’t. How far away was the garage again? Definitely too far to walk.

_Armin: Can you pick me up?_

_Eren: Sure_

Well, there it was. Armin typed out his address, instructing Eren to text him when he parked. He still didn’t want his friend to actually see his apartment. It was pretty run down and sad. You could kind of tell from the outside, but once you stepped inside the door it was apparent. He waited on his front porch for the text, smoking a cigarette and lazily flicking the ashes off the balcony. He had an ashtray, but he was rather enjoying the way the pale grey flakes took off into the gentle evening breeze. Just as he was huddling up into his oversized jacket, he spotted a car parking at the base of his building and felt his phone buzz in his hand. Armin put out his cigarette and headed down the stairs to the warmth of his friend’s car.

Eren raised an eyebrow at the blonde when he sat down. Armin looked back at him with a frown, trying to figure out what was wrong. He looked down and realized he was still wearing one of his work outfits. A pair of women’s shorts that hugged his hips over some nice thick tights, cute boots, an oversized striped shirt, and his big comfy jacket. He shrugged, the movement causing the shoulder of his jacket to slide down his arm.

“It’s Halloween. People dress up slutty all the time.”


	7. Help

Armin started fiddling with the radio until he found something chill to listen to. There wasn’t much of a conversation, though not for Eren trying to start one. The blonde just couldn’t focus on it, giving single word answers or just making noises to his friend’s awkward attempts to talk. He focused on the lights passing by instead, a faint smile making its way across his lips.

“It’s nice to see you smile like that,” Eren muttered, almost to himself this time. Armin hummed and looked over, frowning as he forced his eyes to focus on the brunette. “I mean, there always seemed to be something forced ever since… well, you know. You look genuinely happy right now. I was worried after what happened last time… It’s nice to see you smiling again.” Armin nodded, leaning his head against the window and turning his attention back to the streets passing by.

The event was a little too energetic for the blonde. It was full of people ready to party and get shitfaced. He had honestly preferred the vibe in the car, driving around and watching everything go by. He left his friends pretty quickly to find a quiet corner to curl up in and try to get back that feeling of contentment. It was fading quickly though, and the noise was starting to really bug him. He was developing a mild headache that even nicotine couldn’t fix, and he felt chilled despite huddling up in his jacket. He must be coming off the oxy. Fuck, had he thought to bring any with him?

The blonde checked his pockets, but turned up nothing. He wandered to the bar, hoping a drink and another cigarette could help. It was as he was waiting for his liquor that he felt a tap on his shoulder, and turned around to see Levi standing behind him. “You okay kid?”

Armin stared Levi down for a few moments, absentmindedly handing the bartender his money when he was served his drink. “Fine,” he finally muttered. He had a feeling the man would recognize his drug use a lot easier than Eren. “Just tired after work.” Levi definitely noticed something was up, if the way he frowned was any indication. Armin decided not to give him the chance to pry, and quickly walked away with his drink in hand.

The night wore on, and Armin was starting to feel worse. He looked around for Eren, but couldn’t find the brunette anywhere. He tried texting, but still no luck. He spun around when he heard his friend’s voice, only to realize it was coming from the speakers on stage. Eren was sitting on a stool, guitar in hand, with Jean, Marco, and the members of No Name around him. Was he going to perform? When had this happened? When had he had time to practice anything with the rest of them?

Sure enough, as Armin realized it had been two weeks since his panic attack, Eren counted down off mic and everyone else started up a beat by clapping and stomping their feet. The crowd seemed really into it, a few cheers sounding below the amps when Eren leaned in and started singing.

“This sinking feeling sets.  
It feels just like a hole inside your chest.  
I know you’re thinking ‘no, no, no, no, it is easier,  
Said than done’ but please let me attest. I know it’s hard.  
You’re feeling like you’re trapped  
And that’s how you react  
When you cannot see the light  
But try and see the light.”

Armin swore he felt eyes on him. He gritted his teeth, taking a burning swig of his drink to get rid of the feeling. He met Eren’s gaze briefly from where he stood under the stage, but he wasn’t sure if his friend actually noticed him or not. The song sounded familiar. Eren must have been writing it around the time Armin’s grandfather died, if he was remembering correctly. It was like a slap in the face now, with everything that had happened lately. How fucking dare Eren of all people try and tell him how to live his life? And Armin knew for a fact that the song was aimed at him. It was all too obvious. He caught his friend's eyes again and pointedly turned away, walking through the crowd to the bar, where he ordered a double shot of liquor. He downed it as quickly as he could, willing the alcohol to make him feel the way his pills did. All it did was make him pissier, though.

Armin heard a different band start up, one he didn’t recognize, and made his way drunkenly to the back room. There were a few bands there, hanging out in their own corners of the room, either waiting to perform or resting after they'd already been on stage. Armin was focused only on the group in the center among the couches, though. Eren was being congratulated by the members of No Name for his performance. He was a natural, apparently, from what Armin heard before everyone went silent.

The blonde was the reason the room had gone deathly still. He drained the last dregs of his drink and slammed the glass on the coffee table before staring his oldest friend down. Armin was shaking, emotions he’d been ignoring boiling to the surface in one big, confusing mess. Before he knew what he was doing, his hand made contact with Eren’s face. He felt the sting on his palm after he heard the slap, and only realized afterwards that his vision was clouded with tears.

“Don’t you dare do anything to insinuate you know what I’m going through ever again. Do you hear me!? Your little plan to get me out here is pathetically transparent, and I don’t appreciate such juvenile tactics! You wrote that garbage about Grandad, all those years ago! Well I don’t need your fucking pity! Why couldn’t you just stay out of my life, Eren!? You just can’t keep your nose out of other people’s business, can you?”

Armin stopped when he felt himself shaking. He tried to shrug off a hand on his shoulder, but to no avail. He turned to see Mikasa holding him, her gaze filled with fury. It was sobering, but not enough. He managed to finally shake her off, pushing past everyone toward the back door to the place.

“Armin, wait!” Eren’s voice cut into Armin like a blade, making his chest burn with rage and sadness. He almost wanted to turn back and hear what the brunette had to say, but it was like he wasn’t in control of himself. Why was he pushing everyone away like this? Why was he ruining his life? He even knew that he was doing this to himself. It wasn’t fate, it wasn’t luck. He was sabotaging himself directly, but he couldn’t seem to stop. He desperately wanted someone, anyone to chase after him, knock some sense into him, but no one came. He kept walking into the night, ghosts of the past rearing their ugly heads as he thought about the year his grandfather died, and everything he’d done after to lose who he was. That’s what it was. He was lost.

Armin returned home and immediately downed a pill. He didn’t even bother filling a glass with water. He simply endured the foul bitterness as some of the tablet melted onto his tongue. He paced his living room as he waited for the drug to kick in. It didn’t seem to be working, and in his drunken state, the last dregs of his common sense weren’t strong enough to keep him from shoving another down his gullet. He still waited, turning his phone to silent when it started ringing incessantly.

The blonde ended up on his couch, unsure of how he had gotten there. He had to lay down, or he was sure he would fall over. It was like his limbs had been robbed of all their strength. His concern over this development was washed away with the sudden and all-enveloping haze of the opioids. It hit him like a freight train, if a train could be made of contentment and warmth. The drug wrapped his mind in a pleasant haze, making his body numb and his vision swim. It was a struggle to keep his eyes open, let alone try to move. And why would he want to, anyways?

Armin was completely dead to the world when someone pounded on his door. He only vaguely recognized the sound, trying to call out to the intruder on his peace, but finding his voice gone. He let the pounding continue, eventually finding a sort of peace in it. He was unconscious again by the time someone started yelling through the door, their words falling on deaf ears.

\-------

Armin woke up to a slew of messages on his phone. He tried reading the texts, but he couldn’t be bothered focusing for long enough. So he pulled up his voicemail, typing in his password and listening as he enjoyed the last dregs of oxy in his system.

“Armin, I’m really worried about you.” It was Eren, his voice strained as though he was holding back tears. “You’ve changed. You know me and Mikasa and even mom and dad are here for you. You just need to ask us for help. I didn’t mean to upset you tonight. I just remembered that song, and maybe it didn’t make you feel the way I thought it did, but all I want to do is help. Please… open the door, Armin. I miss my best friend. I don’t want to lose you for good.”

The message ended, and the next one played. Levi’s deep voice was a lot calmer, and Armin had a distinct craving for tea as he listened to the vocalist. “Look, kid, I know you don’t really know me. There’s no reason for you to listen. But I know Kenny, and I know his business, and I know no one should be getting caught up in that shit. I can tell some shit happened to fuck you over, but don’t think that there’s no way back. You have good friends who want to help, if you stop being so fucking stubborn and open up to them. I know things can get better, because you remind me a lot of myself when I was your age.”

Armin deleted the messages and rolled off of the couch. He had a bit more control over his body now, which was good. He went to the bathroom, downed about two glasses of water, and took another pill. He wasn’t interested in feeling anything anymore. He figured he could probably get used to living like this. The warm haze definitely made everything a lot easier to deal with. Plus he could offer more ass at work, since oxy was a painkiller. The boy smiled to himself, inspecting his clean clothes and trying to decide what to wear to work. He decided to be smart and tuck his bag of pills into his boot. He didn’t want to be caught coming off of his high again, but he was still coherent enough to realize he didn’t want people to find them on him easily.

\-------

Armin upped his dosage over the next few weeks. He got pretty close with Franz, the man rather liking him. It wasn’t like he was the most coherent he’d ever been in his life, but it was nice to hang out with someone who wouldn’t judge him. And hey, sometimes the raven was feeling generous and would offer him a little something for free. Well, almost free. Armin was all too willing to pleasure the man, or at least let Franz use him after he’d been lulled into a blissful high.

It was after one of these sessions that Armin was fiddling on his phone absentmindedly. He kept unlocking it, forgetting what he wanted to do, and letting the screen go black again before he thought of something. He had just pulled the screen to life and was staring at the date when he realized that he’d completely forgotten about his birthday. He couldn’t even remember if he’d gotten any messages from his friends. Sure enough, when he went into his contacts, there were a slew of read well wishes. How did he not remember reading them?

The blonde got up off Franz’s couch, offering a soft grunt of farewell. He headed home, taking the bus since he wasn’t comfortable driving any more. He figured he could probably sell his car and not have to worry so much about bills for a bit, since he was getting along fine without it. How long had it been now? At least a month, probably more. He really didn’t want to bother doing the math.

Armin stopped by the grocery store on his way home. It was in a slightly classier neighborhood, somewhere the bus passed through on its way to his shitty part of town. He’d decided to get himself a cake to celebrate his birthday almost a month late. That, and he couldn’t actually remember the last time he’d eaten a proper meal.

“Armin??”

The blonde turned at the sound of his name. He frowned at Bertholdt, standing at the customer service desk he was walking by. “What’re you doing here?”

“I work here. I should be asking you that. No one’s heard from you in weeks. After what happened on Halloween, everyone’s been worried sick! God, you look awful.”

Armin looked down at himself, noticing the holes in his sweater from where he must have dropped cigarette embers on it. He could now see the pale flesh of his shoulder through the black fabric. He realized the white leggings he was wearing weren’t as clean as he’d thought they were, either. The knees were stained with dirt and no doubt garbage juice from work. Gross. While he couldn’t see his reflection at the moment, the blonde was sure his actual face wasn’t in much better condition than his clothes.

“M’fine. Just here for a cake,” he mumbled quietly. He saw Bert’s frown deepen with concern, and looked away. He was starting to remember all the shit he was running away from, and it was definitely affecting his high. After a moment of hesitation, he just walked back out of the store. He could do his shopping closer to home. He had to wait for the next bus, though, and well before it came around Bertholdt had gotten the word out to everyone in their little group.

_Bertholdt: Guys, I just saw Armin at work._

_Bertholdt: He looked really bad. Like unhealthy._

_Eren: WHAT_

_Mikasa: Where is he now?_

_Bertholdt: just waiting at the bus stop_

_Eren: Someone needs to get him. This is the first thing we’ve heard in weeks_

_Jean: What the fuck are you guys blowing up my phone for?_

_Eren: Read the fucking chat dumbass_

_Bert: Armin walked into my store just now_

_Jean: Holy fuck. Someone needs to keep him from running away again._

_Eren: Read the fucking chat!_

_Jean: Whatever, is anyone free?_

_Connie: Me and Sash are in class, also muting. Srry_

_Mikasa: I’m at work.._

_Eren: I have class in like ten minutes_

_Jean: Fuck, Marco took the car. I’m stranded on campus_

_Jean: Eren, call Levi_

_Eren: Why me? You know him better_

_Jean: But he likes you, so he might be more willing to deal with this shit_

_…_

_Eren: Levi’s on his way._

Armin looked up when he heard a vehicle approach. He realized when he did that it wasn’t a bus, but instead a sporty black car that was pulling up close to him. For a moment he was terrified it might be Kenny. The car looked like the kind of thing the man would drive, and the burly blonde in the passenger seat was intimidating enough to be the pimp’s muscle. But then Armin caught sight of the driver, and recognized Levi. He heard the car doors unlock as the window was rolled down, and the blonde leaned back so Levi could talk past him.

“Get in, brat. We need to talk.”

Armin felt eyes on him, and glanced at the few people waiting with him at the bus stop. He could have made a scene and refused to get in, but at this point he was used to doing whatever he was told. It was just easier. He got up and struggled with the car door for a moment, misjudging how much force he’d need in order to open it. The man in the passenger seat reached back to open the door for him, and Armin crawled in, managing to close it after only two tries.

The car ride was tense, neither man bothering to turn on the radio to break the silence. It was a relief to step out of the car and away from the two, but he wasn’t given that luxury for long. The blonde stepped out and herded Armin into Levi’s garage, a hand at the small of his back. The serious look on his face made the blonde more nervous than anything, and he tried to stay a pace ahead to avoid the contact.

Armin was guided to one of the plush armchairs and directed to sit down. Levi stood in front of him, sighing heavily as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “I guess for starters, I should introduce you to Erwin. I’m not really expecting you to remember me mentioning him, under the circumstances, though. So, are you gonna tell us what you’re using, or are we going to have to search you until we find your stash?”

The tall blonde, Erwin, placed a hand on Levi’s arm. “I know how you’re feeling, Levi, but maybe you should take a gentler approach. I seem to remember bluntness didn’t work wonders on you, either.”

Levi grunted and yanked his arm away from the man. He looked back at Armin, and the blonde shrank away from his disappointed scowl. “Look, I can tell you’re on something. I know… there’s a lot of fucking reasons you’re probably using, but you know it’s not healthy, right? You have to see that, you’re a smart kid. Your friends asked me to try and help, but I can’t do that if you won’t let me.”

Armin stared down at his lap, playing with the hem of his dark sweater. He wished he could be anywhere but here. The whole reason he started doing drugs in the first place was to not have to deal with shit like this. He could feel emotions bubbling in his chest, threatening to strangle his breath and blind him with tears. It was one thing when his friends tried to talk to him, with their naivety and inexperience. It was all too easy to brush them off, knowing they wouldn’t understand what he’d had to go through. But the look on Levi’s face said he had a pretty damn good idea. He knew the pain, the urge to run away from it all.

The blonde sat under the scrutinizing gaze of the two men for a couple of minutes. He wasn’t willing to give up his crutch so easily. Even if he did want to give in to them, he wasn’t sure he was capable of speaking without his throat closing up around unshed tears. Finally, after what seemed like ages, Levi sighed and sat down hard on a nearby couch. “Fine. We’re gonna be keeping an eye on you, though. If you told us what you were on, we could at least be prepared for your withdrawals.”

“Don’t be passive aggressive, Levi,” Erwin hummed. “He’s not going to like me for telling you this, but he had to go to rehab a couple of times before he was clean. I’m sure he must be frustrated seeing you make the same mistakes he did and not being able to stop you. But it’s still your choice, whether you want help or not.”

Erwin kept talking, not even sticking to the topic at hand. He just didn’t let the silence settle for too long. Eventually Armin felt a little more relaxed. He thought about that night nearly a month ago, how he’d wished for anyone to follow him out into the darkness, to find him and bring him back to reality. He was still resisting the urge to give in, but he couldn’t deny that this was what he’d been wanting all along. He coughed to clear his throat, and Erwin fell silent. Levi leaned forward intently, nearly scaring Armin back into his shell.

“I-I…” He cleared his throat again, staring at his shoes. “There’s so much… it’s so hard to… I… don’t know where to start.”

“Start by telling us whatever’s in your system, so we can help you kick it,” Levi murmured. He didn’t seem to understand. Armin shook his head. He couldn’t do that if he would just go back to the waking nightmare that was his life.

“I can’t. I can’t go back to… to that.”

“To what?” This time it was Erwin. Armin hadn’t noticed the man stand up and kneel in front of him. “Whatever it is, we can help.”

The boy just shook his head again, clamping his jaw shut around the sobs that threatened to escape him. Hot tears beaded at his lashes, then formed twin tracks down his cheeks. He pulled away from Erwin, curling up in the armchair and hiding his face in his knees. He could almost feel the disappointment from the two older men, and it made him even more ashamed of everything that had led to this.

\-------

Armin was curled up in the same chair he’d been led to when Levi and Erwin brought him to the garage. He hadn’t been able to find the words to explain why he couldn’t give up his stash, even though he wanted the help. It just wasn’t as simple as kicking the pills and being done. He couldn’t go back to his regular life without the help of the drugs.

He’d lost track of time, and how many times Levi and Erwin had tried to coax him into talking, when Eren and Mikasa barged in through the back door. Armin huddled deeper into his chair, keeping his eyes on the ground. He noticed Levi get up from the corner of his gaze, though, and heard the raven walk over to his two friends.

“Eren, what are you doing here? We’ve got this covered. Don’t you have class?”

“I got out early. Is it true? He’s…”

Armin shut his eyes, managing to feel something beyond his soul-crushing disappointment in himself. “I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t talk about me like I’m not right here.” His annoyance didn’t do anything to make him want to open up to his friends. The blonde grit his teeth as Eren walked around to face him, a confused frown set across his features.

“Why, Armin? You’re smarter than this.”

The boy felt himself shaking. It was a combination of anger and sadness, bringing back the tears that blinded him to both sight and rational thought. Armin tried to calm himself by taking deep breaths, but he couldn’t. He felt his heart racing with each breath, until he couldn’t take it any more.

“Because I’ve ruined my life, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it, and these are the only things that make me feel anything close to normal any more!” He pulled out the little baggie of pills and tossed them at Eren’s face. The brunette narrowly dodged them, staring at Armin with wide eyes. “I couldn’t stand being such a burden on your dad, not when he had his work at the hospital, and already worried about putting you two through school! Your parents already adopted one kid, they don’t need a third! I felt so… useless staying with you guys! That’s why I had to move out! You don't know how good you have it, Eren! I would give anything to be able to go back to school! But that's just not possible. Not after the debt from Grandad's funeral. I was working two jobs just to stay on top of it and try to pay rent. It just wasn't enough. So I... I...” Armin felt sobs rack his chest. He was no longer staring into his friend’s eyes, but two wobbly pools of color as more tears spilled down his cheeks. “I had to resort to selling my body. It;s not like being a prostitute is any different than how my other jobs treated me. I’m just a piece of meat to do whatever they want, whenever they want it. And guys pay you a lot more to suck them off. But then Kenny started threatening me, and I… I just needed something to get away from it… I just… can’t do it any more…”

There was a heavy silence over the room. Armin had curled in on himself, hiding his face in his knees as he sobbed brokenly. That was it. His secret was out. Pretty soon everyone would know how pathetic he was, what a mess he’d made for himself. No matter what he tried, he just couldn’t stop crying. He wished he could be alone. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this. It was embarrassing.

To Armin’s surprise, he felt strong arms circle around him. Something about it made him sob harder than before, and he couldn’t help but lean into the embrace. The blonde couldn’t remember the last time he’d just been held like this. No doubt it had been years. Erwin’s deep voice shushed him, muttering soft comforts until he’d worn himself out. For the first time in ages Armin didn’t feel alone anymore. He didn’t have to hide anything, and maybe he could finally ask for help.


	8. Call Me (When You're Done Being Such A Bitch)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Armin is miserable, but also goes through character development!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally got a new chapter out! Between being more inspired for my Yuri on Ice fic and doing a lot of work on my podfic channel on youtube (follow the link in my profile to check that out, I'll be reading this on it when I finally finish it), I might have neglected Headfirst Slide a bit, but never fear! I never intended on abandoning it. I just take forever to write, lol!

Armin pushed himself up on his hands, turning over stiffly. It had been at least twenty four hours since he’d hung out with Franz and gotten really messed up. “Bert?” He groaned, calling out for the tall raven. His friends, along with Levi and Erwin, had set up a watch system, to make sure he didn’t run away or try to get any more drugs. It was probably the most embarrassing thing in his life, having to be babysat like this.

“Your friend went home for the night. I’m here until Levi gets up in the morning,” a smooth voice responded. The blonde recognized it as Erwin’s, the man Levi had introduced as his friend.

“What time is it?” Armin groaned. He was sure he sounded as pitiful as he felt, woken up by an overall aching in his joints.

“A little past one in the morning. Do you need something?”

“Water,” the boy groaned again. He placed a hand over his eyes, trying to block out his discomfort to no avail. He realized the spot he’d occupied on the couch was drenched with sweat, which would explain his ungodly thirst. Armin sat up when his caretaker for the moment returned from the wet bar with a glass of water. He downed it in a matter of seconds, panting as he handed the glass back to Erwin.

“Let’s get you some sheets to lay on,” Erwin hummed, gently guiding Armin off of the couch. The boy collapsed into an armchair while Erwin grabbed sheets and a blanket to lay over the cushions. He had handled Armin with such care, like he was something fragile about to break. The blonde couldn’t remember the last time he’d been touched like that.

Armin didn’t move back to the couch immediately. He sat, huddled and shivering in the armchair. He wiped his nose on his sleeve, feeling utterly miserable.

“Hey, you’ll get through this, okay?”

Erwin had knelt by his chair while the blonde wasn’t looking. His hand was close enough that Armin could take it if he wanted, but he pulled his arms close to circle around himself. “I’m terrified,” he admitted quietly.

“It shouldn’t be too bad. A few days of being miserable, but you’ll start feeling better soon enough.”

“Not that.” Armin closed his eyes, sniffling again. He wasn’t sure if he was that emotional, or if his body was just determined to make him a gross, leaky mess. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t go back to two forty hour jobs. It’s not possible.”

Erwin finally bridged the gap, placing his hand on Armin’s shoulder. “Isn’t there anything you’d rather do? From what your friends tell me you’re extremely intelligent.”

Armin sighed and shook his head, burying his face in his hands. He felt lost, crushed under the weight of responsibility. “Those dreams died with Grandad,” he was finally able to whimper. The blonde shrugged the hand off of his shoulder, getting up and shuffling back to the couch. He laid down with his back to Erwin, effectively ending the conversation. He could hear the man sigh softly behind him, but the subject was dropped.

\-------

Eren called before heading over after class the next day. Levi was keeping tabs on Armin, but honestly the blonde didn’t even feel up for moving at this point. His constant shifting and groaning gave him no reprieve from his discomfort, so he just laid there and bore it in silence.

“Hey, kid, I asked if you want anything to eat.”

Armin shook his head, the thought of food making his stomach roil in protest. Levi didn’t say anything else, walking off to keep his conversation with Eren a little more private. The two had gotten close, Armin noticed, and he couldn’t help feeling jealous. From what he’d heard from his friends, the raven was giving Eren guitar lessons, helping him catch up on his rusty skills.

Levi stepped through the door that led from the lounge to the stage, leaving Armin all alone in the cluster of couches. The blonde was going to stew in his jealousy and general misery until he realized he actually was completely alone. From the sound of it, Levi was sitting on the edge of the stage, soft conversation echoing faintly in the public portion of the building. Armin forced himself up from the couch, supporting himself on the arm as he willed his aching body to work with him. Erwin had mentioned the possibility of weaning him off the drugs during the big meeting his friends had held. If he was lucky, they had kept his stash just in case things got bad.

Armin figured it would be too much of an oversight to keep an addict’s vice in the same room as them. Not only was it stupid, it would be a cruel temptation. Obviously it wouldn’t be hidden out front by the stage either. Too many people passed by there too often. And anyways, Armin couldn’t search out there without being caught. The only obvious option was the staircase leading to Levi’s apartment on the second floor of the building.

Armin glanced back to the door that separated the front of the building from the back, wondering if he really wanted to do this. Then he heard Levi laugh. Even barely knowing him, Armin knew that Levi never laughed. Spurred on by jealousy, he threw his morals to the wind and snuck up the stairs as quickly as he could.

The apartment was pretty stylish, a surprise considering Levi didn’t seem like the kind of person to care about interior design. Of course, it was still the top floor of what was once an old parking garage, and cement support beams stood in the middle of the floorplan, but they fit the grungy aesthetic perfectly. There was a decently sized kitchen in one corner, and Armin realized it was in the same spot as the wet bar downstairs. They must have just run the water pipes straight up. The bathroom was in the same corner as the one backstage, as well. Off in another corner was the only door in the whole place, other than the one at the top of the stairs. It must lead to a bedroom, because Armin didn’t see a bed anywhere.

The blonde was about to start scanning for any place that might hide a small handful of drugs when he heard a noise from the couch. Its back was facing him, so he tiptoed over and peeked around the corner of the piece of furniture. Erwin was sleeping there with a blanket wrapped around him, using one of the throw pillows to support his head.

The man had his eyes open, and was now staring directly at Armin. The blonde watched as realization dawned on Erwin’s face, and his bushy brows furrowed. “Is everything okay?”

Armin was frozen to the spot. Erwin’s frown only deepened when he didn’t answer. “Where’s Levi?”

The blonde slithered around the couch, dropping to his knees and letting his eyes roam down Erwin’s torso. “He’s on the phone with Eren,” he breathed, gently feeling for the edges of the blanket wrapped around Erwin. “He doesn’t need to know about this. I promise, I can make it feel really good.”

“Armin, wait.”

But he didn’t. His hand had found an entrance to the blankets, and he realized Erwin was wearing nothing but his boxers. Perfect. Erwin sat up when he felt the intruding hand run along his stomach, the movement placing Armin squarely between his legs. “What do you want from this? Do you think I’m going to give you your drugs back?”

That made the blonde stop in his tracks. His jaw clenched, and he couldn’t manage to force himself to look Erwin in the eye. “Please… it hurts so much. At least let me wean off of them? It’s safer that way, isn’t it?”

Erwin sighed softly, grabbing Armin’s hand and removing it from the leg of his boxers. “Opiates aren’t life threatening, Armin. Antipsychotics can sometimes cause seizures, but opiates are just hell to go through. I’ve already disposed of your pills anyways. It wasn’t fair to Levi to have them laying around tempting him.”

Armin felt the tightness of guilt in his chest. He hadn’t considered the fact that Levi was a recovered addict before. To make matters worse, he felt himself tearing up now that he was actually considering how much of an ass he’d been to everyone so far. He felt the strong hand around his wrist let go, and move to gently caress his shoulder.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Erwin shushed, his voice soft and comforting. “There’s no need to cry, Armin.”

“I… d-don’t know why… a-any of you… are even helping me…” He sobbed, a weight crushing his chest. This had been what he didn’t want to go through again. Guilt, sadness, stress. It was all too much. It was so much easier to be numb, than to deal with so much negativity.

“Your friends don’t want to see you suffer like this.”

“This… /is/ suffering,” Armin managed around his tears. “I’d rather die.”

Erwin kept shushing him, fingers tentatively making their way to the back of his head. When the blonde didn’t protest, Erwin started gently stroking his hair. It was beyond comforting, and eventually Armin wore himself out enough to be led back downstairs. They ran into Levi on the way down, who Armin noticed looked furious. But a simple shake of Erwin’s head quieted the tirade that must have been brewing on the raven’s lips.

Armin was laid back down on the couch, where he curled up and sniffled a bit, his aches and pains coming back full force. He was hoping desperately for some sort of sleep when Eren came in through the back door, placing a bag of food on the coffee table right next to Armin.

“I brought food!” The brunette declared triumphantly, as though he hadn’t simply taken what had been left over at the end of his shift. Armin caught a whiff of butter-soaked burger patties with every breath, even when he switched to pulling in air through his mouth. Normally, he adored the food from Eren’s job. He’d been a few times when he was still talking to his best friend, before they had grown so far apart. But now the thought of all that grease, the way he could almost taste the meat through the air, it all made him feel sick to his stomach.

When Levi pulled out a container of onion rings, Armin couldn’t stand it any more. Despite the protests of his limbs, he shot up off the couch. He thought he heard himself mutter a soft excuse, but the sound was behind him before his ears could register it as he rushed toward the bathroom. The blonde retched miserably into the toilet, not even gaining a sense of relief from it. His stomach heaved again when he caught a whiff of the acid in the porcelain bowl, forcing the last dregs from his stomach. He waited a moment for the pounding of blood in his ears to subside before he flushed the toilet and pulled himself up by the rim of the sink so he could rinse his mouth out. He hadn’t noticed Eren come to the open door of the bathroom until the brunette spoke, clearing his throat softly.

“Umm. Hey, I’m sorry about that. I didn’t realize… are you okay?”

He sounded so unsure of himself. It was so unlike Eren to be hesitant, that Armin almost wondered who had swapped bodies with his friend. He had to take a moment to compose himself, an arm unconsciously wrapping around his aching stomach. When he did finally turn his head, it looked like Eren was expecting to be glared at. Not the tired look Armin gave him.

“I feel awful,” the blonde croaked. His voice was hoarse from the acid that had just unceremoniously coated his throat. “Like, not just physically. I… probably should have asked you for help sooner.”

It was like a switch had been flipped, and Eren took the few steps across the small room to wrap his arm around Armin’s side. The blonde flinched from the unexpected contact, but he definitely appreciated the support as he made his way back to the couch.

“Yeah, well, Mikasa will probably chew you out enough for the both of us. I'm just glad you're talking to me again. You... are talking to me, right? This isn't just some fluke and you're gonna disappear again for years without telling anyone where you are?"

Armin nodded wordlessly. Yes, he definitely thought this time was going to be different. At least he would try his hardest to make it different.


	9. When I Tell You the Truth It'll Bleed From These Broken Gums

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I which you get backstory, and some growth and forgiveness.

Armin was absolutely miserable the next few days. The vomiting didn’t stop, and was soon accompanied by his body expelling anything else through the other end of his digestive tract. It got to the point that he simply dragged a blanket and pillow into the bathroom, so he wouldn’t have far to go the next time he desperately needed the toilet. Levi stood by the bathroom door as he was catching his breath from a particularly aggressive bout of dry heaving, Jean sitting with him and rubbing his back.

“We have a concert scheduled tonight.” The raven didn’t waste any time beating around the bush. He crossed his arms over his chest as he leaned against the door frame, gaze flicking between the two younger men in the bathroom. “This German Rock band booked the stage a while ago. I’m not about to cancel just for some sick kid, so we’ve got a few different options. Either you can take the bathroom upstairs, or you can stay with one of your friends, if you think you can make the trip.”

Armin wiped away tears of exertion with the back of his hand, looking up at Levi. “You’d really let me stay upstairs?”

The man made a face that was unreadable. He knew why Armin had snuck upstairs, but neither of them had said anything. In between bouts of misery, it was really bugging him. He’d understand if Levi didn’t want him anywhere near his home, considering the invasion of privacy. The raven seemed like a very private person. But Levi shifted his weight and turned his back to the bathroom as he spoke, already starting to walk away.

“As long as you don’t get puke or shit on any of my furniture, you’re free to stay during the concert.”

So maybe this was less an extension of the olive branch, and more a measure to protect his own image. After all, what respectable business owner wanted customers to see a drug addict squatting in the space they were paying for? Armin nodded, even though Levi couldn’t see him.

Jean had to help him up, and the two made the slow trek up the stairs. It was a struggle to keep his stomach from convulsing, but Armin managed. He was suddenly glad he had gotten a glimpse of the place before, because he had to rush up the last few steps and to the bathroom. His stomach had managed to replenish some of its liquids in the short time, and the acid burned his already raw throat. Armin’s stomach was so sore from vomiting that he was pretty sure he would have a six pack by the time he started feeling better.

He felt marginally better by the time he was finished. Good enough to stumble from the bathroom to the couch he’d found Erwin on the last time he was in the loft. Armin bumped into Jean on his way there, nearly spilling a plate of crackers and fruit. He eyed the food suspiciously, narrowing his eyes at his friend.

“Come on, Ar. You haven’t eaten in a few days, at least try.”

Armin heaved a heavy sigh, sitting on the couch and wrapping his blanket cape around himself. “I don’t want to risk it, Jean. The longer I can go without puking my guts out the better.”

His friend sat down with a whumpf, setting the small plate between them on the couch. “You know, you never were very good at moderation.” Armin raised an eyebrow. What was Jean trying to start now? “I mean, back in school it was with studying, but you were always shit at taking care of yourself. Eren had to drag you to come hang out with us and take a break. And there were plenty of times at lunch where I was trying to talk to you about really important stuff, and you had your nose in a book.”

“Okay, first off, I graduated valedictorian, so you can’t say it was for nothing.” Jean raised a skeptical eyebrow, his gaze raking Armin’s dishevelled appearance. The blonde chose to ignore what his friend insinuated with that expression. That the valedictorian of their class had ended up a prostitute and and an addict. He felt his cheeks heat up with embarrassment. “And secondly, you’re talking about your ‘gay identity crisis,’ as you yourself put it? Dude, you literally talked about how hot Marco was, but how it wasn’t in a gay way, every single day for /two years./”

Jean opened his mouth to defend himself, but Armin held up a hand to stop him. “‘If he was a girl that ass would be a ten! I mean it is a ten, but… it’s not gay!’” Armin screwed up his face as he did a very unflattering impression of his friend, causing Jean to laugh.

“Okay, so I was kind of a shithead. But I was a teenager, cut me some slack. The point still stands that you’re bad at moderation, and I know you never want to eat anything ever again, but that's not how you should be taking care of yourself. You should try to eat at least a little bit, because it might actually make you feel better.” So he was still intent on getting back to his point. Armin sighed, moving his hand away from the plate that Jean pushed toward him. “I’m not stopping until you eat something, so you might as well give up now.”

Armin swatted at his friend’s hand in resignation, pulling the plate onto his lap with a roll of his eyes. “God, fine. How did I ever make friends with such an absolute ass?”

“Because you were on a different lunch period than Eren and Mikasa, and you had to sit with _someone?”_ Jean supplied. And he wasn’t wrong. He was missing a crucial detail, though. Armin contemplated spilling the beans as he stared down a grape, willing it to play nice with his poor, abused guts.

“That, and I thought you were cute.”

There was total silence. Armin didn’t dare glance over at Jean, popping another grape into his mouth to occupy himself. He could feel the sugar seeping into his body already, making him realize just how empty his stomach was. He had to remind himself to eat slowly, or he’d just make himself even more sick. After his fourth grape Armin glanced to the side, meeting Jean’s tawny eyes that were now clouded with guilt. That wasn’t what he had expected.

“How did I not realize…?”

“Jean…”

The door to the stairs opened and Marco poked his head through. “Hey. Levi said you were up here. Armin, mind if I hang out?”

The blonde shook his head, glad for something to break the tension between him and Jean. When he’d stopped talking to his friend, he’d kind of vowed to himself that he would never say anything about how he felt. It had happened after his grandfather’s death, so he wasn’t thinking clearly, but he still knew that it would cause more shit than he wanted to deal with. Especially when Jean finally attended his first GSA Club meeting and completely hit it off with Marco. His two friends were happy together, and Armin hadn’t wanted to go ruining that by being a homewrecker.

Tears were threatening to spill over Armin’s cheeks. He took a shaky breath, standing up and shuffling toward the bathroom. Memories had come as a slap to the face, bringing back all the dark emotions from what had to be one of the worst years of his life. It was like he was back in High School, desperately trying to make it through another day without breaking down. Burying his feelings until he was numb. He hoped Jean would let him pass it off as nausea. He had too much respect for his friend to think Jean wouldn’t notice the sudden shift in mood.

Armin had been sitting in the bathroom for a while when he heard a soft knock on the door. He didn’t answer at first, trying to school his face into something that didn’t look like he’d been quietly crying for the past however long. Jean sighed and sat down next to him, glancing skeptically at the pristine porcelain of the toilet bowl.

“Armin…”

“Please don’t say anything.” Armin couldn’t think of a single thing that could make this situation better. He just had to bear this pain until it faded enough to be ignored. Like everything else in his life.

“I’m sorry. If I hadn’t of been so thick, I could have at least been less of an ass. No wonder you didn’t come talk to me when shit hit the fan. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have been so mad at you. I still am mad, by the way. Just… less so.”

Jean wrapped an arm around Armin’s shoulder, and the blonde leaned into the embrace gratefully. He felt his face crumple despite his best efforts, and pulled his blanket up and over his head to hide it. Jean chuckled and gently stroked his shoulder. They sat like that for a while longer, until the wave of misery passed, or at least settled down a bit, and Armin poked his head out to grab a breath of fresh air.

“Okay, but did you have a crush on me before or after my whole Marco crisis? Because seriously, you have to have some pretty poor judgement to fall for the straightest fuckboy in a ten mile radius.”

“You are currently talking to a recovering drug addict, I don't think my judgement has much credit any more,” Armin deadpanned. He raised an eyebrow at Jean, who of all things nodded in agreement. Armin gave his friend a playful shove. “Ugh, I can’t believe you. For the record, I subscribe to the theory that us gays can sniff each other out based on pheromones. It’s why we find each other in packs when statistically we’re the minority.”

“And why ‘gay neighborhoods’ exist?”

“You know, I never thought of that, but yeah.”

There was a comfortable silence between the two now. This wasn’t how Armin had expected for things to go. He had expected screaming and accusations, and probably splitting up one of the honest to god healthiest relationships he’d ever had the pleasure to watch grow. Not that he had actually watched it grow much, but it seemed like Jean and Marco had built something really good.

Speaking of Marco, he was sitting on the couch still, scrolling through his phone on some app or another. Armin could see him through the half open door, laying on his stomach with his feet waving idly in the air. He caught the raven’s eye for a moment, and quickly turned his gaze to the floor.

“Did you tell him what I said?”

Armin more felt than saw the frown his friend gave him. Jean’s arm tightened around him ever so slightly. “Knowing Marco he probably already knew. But Armin, you don’t have to always expect the worst. I mean, if you wanted to get between us, you would have done it before we even got together. You’re clever. Hell, you could probably become a dictator if you felt like being evil and manipulative like that. But you aren’t. You’re the kind of friend that hooks up his friend and crush with another guy, and never even mentions how much it hurts you. You’re a good friend, Armin, and we both know that. But I guess if it would make you feel better, we can tell him right now.”

“Wait, Jean…?”

Before Armin could stop him, Jean had kicked the bathroom door open all the way and pulled in a deep breath to call across to his boyfriend. “Oi, Marco! Armin had a crush on me in High School and he feels really guilty about it still! You mad?”

Marco was startled from whatever feed he was looking through, taking a moment to process what had been said. “What? No, of course not. Wait, you didn’t kiss him since we’ve been dating, have you?”

“Only forehead kisses for being such a good boy.” Jean chuckled and demonstrated, making an exaggerated 'mwah' as he planted a kiss in Armin’s messy hair. Marco chuckled and shrugged in answer.

Jean finally convinced Armin to come out of the bathroom and finish his small snack. The three of them commandeered Levi’s tv and his netflix, Jean suggesting that they search for the weirdest shows they could find to screw up the raven’s feed. That was how they ended up watching a bunch of really badly animated cartoons, with the bass from the show starting downstairs serving as background noise. It was nice. It felt... comfortable.


	10. Is Your Shadow Watching? (Werewolves Aren't the Only Monsters that go Bump in the Night)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings at end of chapter, sensitive readers, please check first!! This one was really tough for me to write, I've been dealing with a ton of stuff in my personal life, and also I tend to never follow through with, like, any of my projects, so there's also that... But that being said, I'd like to dedicate this chapter to one of my lovely fans. I don't know their username on here, but janierandus found me on my cosplay instagram and reminded me of this fic, and totally inspired me to see if I could bang out another chapter or two! I'm just so flattered that someone likes my work so much, and I would hate to disappoint and leave another fic unfinished.

Armin sighed heavily, shutting off his phone and placing it upside down so he couldn’t see the screen. He was completely sober, and for the most part over his withdrawals. Strangely, his head felt fuzzier now than it did when he was high. Oxy buzzed through his brain every moment he wasn’t occupied, and more than once he’d found himself pulling up Franz’s number on his phone.

That wasn’t what he had just been looking at, though. He’d been doing some calculations with his bank account, a small piece of scratch paper beside him on Levi’s couch. The bill for his apartment was due in a few days, and he was woefully short on the cash. Armin hadn’t realized how much his habit had cost him, even for the considerably short time he indulged himself. He had little savings to speak of any more, and no way to get the cash unless he wanted to talk to Kenny again. The man could probably set him up in time, but what would that mean for Armin?

The blond was startled out of his depressing train of thought by Levi and Erwin coming downstairs from Levi's loft. Their conversation was cut short before Armin could make out what they were saying, and Erwin gave him a friendly nod. Armin felt unease settle in his stomach, and quickly made as though he’d been just getting up to head out.

“Hey, didn’t want you guys to think I ran away or anything. I’m just gonna go to the store. Stretch my legs and grab a pack of cigarettes, y’know?”

Levi raised an eyebrow, looking more than a little skeptical. But as he opened his mouth, Erwin nudged him in the side. “We certainly aren’t trying to keep you cooped up here, but could you make sure to stay in touch with someone if you’ll be gone for long?” Armin nodded meekly, grabbing his phone and a pair of earbuds he’d managed to scrounge up, before heading out the door.

Armin didn’t actually know the area that well, that day he’d spent working the streets downtown seeming so very long ago by now. He combed his fingers through his hair, catching his reflection in a large glass wall of one of the skyscrapers that towered above the streets. He actually looked kind of good. He’d lost weight, probably an effect of not feeling hungry, and he looked quite bony still. But it was the kind of bony that people would no doubt mistake for a supermodel physique. The dark circles under his eyes and pale cheeks were definitely an aesthetic, that was for sure. He could probably work it to his advantage, if he wanted to try and grab some quick cash.

But did he really want to? It was so easy to fall back into the mindset of finding a quick trick, that the realization hit Armin square in the chest, making him feel as though he’d had the wind knocked out of him. He was seriously about to go selling himself again, after he’d just gotten clean, and almost gotten his life back on track... 

Except he hadn’t, had he?

Armin realized he’d been standing staring at his reflection in broad daylight, and that some people were starting to give him wary glances. He quickly started walking again, ducking his head as best he could into the collar of his jacket. But the realization didn’t stay back there, with his reflection. It followed him, a dark shadow racing as it caught up and overtook him. He hadn’t fixed anything by getting clean and off of oxycontin. He still had no job other than prostitution, and he had bills to pay, or else he would be evicted, and his phone would be shut off. He definitely couldn’t stay at Levi’s garage forever, and there was no way in hell he could ask to move back in with Eren’s parents. Not when he was a prostitute and a drug addict. It was just a matter of time until he was out of options again.

\-------

_Hey, heading home to grab a couple of things, gonna take the bus, might take about an hour (you guys have no clue how slow this city’s buses are, ugh)_

Armin sent off a quick text to a group chat he was now a part of, letting everyone know where he was. He was trying to stay calm and rational, to go through his options one by one to figure out what the best course of action was. He might be able to find some cash around his apartment, a couple of stashes in case times got tough. And if not, he’d have to come up with a quick lie to tell his landlord to try and get out of it this month.

Unlocking his own door after so long was surreal. Armin could barely remember his old routine any more, after nearly two weeks staying downtown, and a couple months in a drug induced haze before that. Maybe, if he could find somewhere else to stay that was cheaper, it would be a good idea to move out. This place had way too much baggage attached.

Any thought Armin had about his living situation was erased from his brain, however, when he realized that despite still being locked, his apartment wasn’t actually empty.

“We were wondering when you’d show up again,” Franz’s friendly drawl spoke from the kitchen table. He was sitting under the hanging light over the table, which was typically on anyways, since the windows were so often in shade. “You must be jonesing for some more pills by now, right?”

“He doesn’t have the money to pay you, though.” Kenny stepped out of the doorway to Armin’s room, his face shaded ominously. “I don’t think he quite understands what it means to be working for me.”

Armin turned around to run back out of the door, but he was stopped by a man twice his size grabbing him from the other side of it, just out of his sight when he had entered. The blond was so startled that he couldn’t even come up with anything to say as he was brought to the ground, Kenny waking across his living room and closing the door without a sound. “When you work for me you actually gotta work, kid. See, I gave you the leeway to keep doing your own thing as long as you paid me my cut, because I thought you were smart enough to appreciate that. But it takes resources to have someone keep an eye on you and make sure you’re following the rules, just like all my other girls. And I just wasted a lot of money on a scout sitting outside that shitty little venue watching all your little friends coming and going. So how are you planning to pay me back for that time, huh?”

Armin felt his breath coming faster and faster, his panic not being helped by the fact that the guy on top of him was crushing his chest. He felt an embarrassing whimper rise up from his chest, not hearing it with his own ears until he saw the feigned look of pity on Kenny’s face. “Oh, poor thing. You thought you could just quit because you didn’t like playing with dicks any more? Funny how the gay boys are so much less inclined once there’s no decent incentive. Well, how’s this for you, little bitch?” Another whimper and a groan sounded intimately close to Armin’s ears as he was kicked by Kenny’s stiff boot, more the sound of the air being ejected from his lungs than an answer. “We’re going to remind you what you do for us, because after so long I don’t think I trust you to be able to do the job right. And then we’re going to start scheduling your appointments. If you’re a good whore maybe you can earn my trust again, but until then I’m putting you on a short fucking leash.”

\-------

Armin lay where he had been left in his living room, shivering as his body began to chill. Eventually it became too much, and he reached for his clothes. He bit back a whimper as the movement caused pain to erupt in his lower back. Kenny had been rough with him. Rougher than he’d ever had before. Of course, it made sense; the man had been _trying_ to hurt him.

There was a wad of cash by the blond’s discarded clothes, a rubber band holding it, a small note, and a plastic baggie in one neat little package. Armin tossed the bag and its contents far away, fingers itching to shove the pills down his gullet to take the edge off of his aching insides. Instead he read the note, in what he could only assume was Kenny’s handwriting. It was cleaner than he’d expected, the letters thin and angular. He wasn’t sure why, but he’d expected the man’s writing to be nigh illegible.

_This is for the apartment. If you don’t keep your appointments I won’t help you out next time, and you’ll be staying with the rest of the girls. Consider it my last show of good faith._

Armin shuddered, tempted to simply curl up in a ball and cry for a good while. The baggie Franz had left was out of sight, fortunately, because the blond was ready to do anything to feel numb for a little bit longer. He wasn’t able to choose between his options, however, as he was brought back to reality by his phone buzzing in his pocket. He ignored the text from Kenny in his notifications, pushing the question of how the man had even gotten his phone number out of his head. It had most likely been in his drug-induced stupor. Eren was calling him, and he had to focus on sounding normal.

“Hey, Eren, h-...”

_”I thought you’d be back by now. Where are you?”_

“Oh, uuh… I guess time got away from me. I… had to clean out my fridge. The whole place smelled like rotting food when I got back.” Armin managed to chuckle, despite the way his stomach twisted at the lie. Someone had obviously been staying here while he was gone. The realization that Kenny had seriously been waiting for him sent goosebumps down Armin’s arms.

/“Okay, just… let us know next time. You promised you wouldn’t disappear again, remember?”/

“Right, sorry. Also, so you won’t believe this. I stopped by the store on my way home to grab some cigarettes, and they asked if I wanted to work there. Crazy, right? It sounded like someone just quit without notice, and it’s this little convenience store in my neighborhood. Anyways, I said yes.”

There was a long silence on the other line. It was just long enough for Armin to consider the fact that he had just told his best friend a completely bold-faced lie. None of that had been true. He hadn’t even gotten cigarettes yet, because he’d realized he didn’t have enough cash while he was on the bus. But what else was he supposed to do? He’d been right, he couldn’t bring this shit on anyone else. Levi didn’t deserve the temptation of Franz hanging around and trying to rope him back into using. He couldn’t ask any of his friends to let him stay with them when Kenny was stalking him and actively breaking and entering. What if the sleazebag hurt one of his friends? It wasn’t fair to them, after they’d already tried so hard to help him. He didn’t want to be a burden on them… _”Hey, that’s great. Are you gonna get enough hours to keep the apartment?”_ Eren sounded fake happy, but Armin couldn’t fix this now. He let out a soft sigh, trying to aim the gust of breath away from the receiver so his friend wouldn’t hear.

“Yeah. I mean, at least until my lease is up. But I promise I won’t disappear again. I’ll stay in touch, okay? I mean, you know I’m shit at group chats, but I’ll try…”

_”Yeah. So you’re gonna come grab your stuff from the garage, right? Plus I was gonna hang out after classes. I figured you could help with my calculus? You basically already took this course in High School, after all.”_

The two of them chuckled together, but it felt hollow to Armin. He really didn’t want to go back to living a lie. But he grunted his agreement anyways, to which Eren offered to come pick him up. Before he knew it, Armin was hanging up his phone and waiting for his best friend to come over. Dread swept over him when he realized what state Eren would find him in. He hadn’t even tried to stand up yet, but already knew that his legs wouldn’t quite support him. He did his best to pull himself up by the corner of the table, but it was a struggle. Eren would know something was up if he was barely even limping around his apartment. He really didn’t want to give in to temptation and take a dose of oxy when he had just gotten clean, but found himself rummaging around on the couch where he’d tossed them anyways. He at least needed to hide them.

Armin finally settled on hiding the pills between his mattress and the box spring, heading to his medicine cabinet afterward and downing some ibuprofen. He hadn’t even cleaned himself up yet, and he really didn’t want to. But there really was no choice. The blond gave a sigh as he headed toward the bathroom, doing his best to wipe the cum from his tender nether regions. He avoided looking at himself in the mirror as he made himself presentable, a pretty impressive feat if he really thought about it. He had to keep it together. He couldn’t drag Eren into this, not when his life was going so well. If he let anyone find out what had happened, they would just make a big deal out of it, and spend more time and energy trying to help him. The blond was startled out of his swirling thoughts by Eren knocking on the door, and forced a deep breath through his nose.

Hanging out and helping Eren with homework was surprisingly easy. Armin felt that familiar tension in his gut that he’d gotten so used to over the years, but he was still used to it. That thought was kind of depressing, so he pushed it to the side. He was actually having fun doing some of the problems in Eren’s books, and it gave him a nice distraction. Even if his friend had to remind him to explain what he was doing every so often. Before long most of the gang had shown up, hanging out variously doing homework or, in the case of Jean and Marco, working on a new song with their heads pressed close together. Impulsively, Armin tossed an eraser at Jean, grinning and waving before he could start blaming Eren.

Armin had left Eren to his math for a bit to lay on the floor and read through the essay Sasha was working on. He looked up when he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. He hadn’t realized that Levi was home, though he wasn’t sure what he thought the raven really did that would keep him out of the garage. It was both his home and business, after all. Levi scoffed softly as he headed straight for the wet bar, setting up the hotplate and kettle and readying a teapot.

“Since when did my place become a study hall for you brats?” He grumbled, though he made no move to kick them out. Jean and Eren exchanged embarrassed glances, before Levi rolled his eyes with a resigned shake of his head. “God, don’t look like a couple of puppies I’ve gone and kicked. As long as you don’t mess anything up I couldn’t give a shit. I’d be asking for the spare keys back otherwise.”

Armin noticed that Levi was making a rather large pot of tea, and he set it down on a trivet on the coffee table, an assortment of teacups alongside. The blond went ahead and poured himself a cup, fixing it with milk and sugar despite the face Levi gave him. Levi took Armin’s former spot on the couch next to Eren, glancing over the brunette’s papers. He gave another snort into his teacup before taking a sip.

The whole gathering was cozy. It felt so extraordinarily normal, it was almost melancholic. Armin wasn’t able to let himself consider the possibility of this being something he could have for long. His phone buzzed, causing a frown, which only deepened when he saw it was from Kenny. All it read was _Tonight, your apartment, 11:30. Half an hour. Tomorrow open hours between noon and 5 pm. I will pay you at the end of the week._ It was so businesslike, so impersonal, that it sent shivers down Armin’s spine. His fingers hovered over the keyboard for a moment, wondering if he ought to respond. Sasha leaned over to look at him, probably only thinking that he was scrolling through social media, but the thought that she might see his sordid business made him jump.

“Woah, sorry, didn’t know you were texting. Did you finish what I have so far? It’s too dry, right? I mean, just because I’m ripping the popular perception of Romeo and Juliet doesn’t mean I can’t make this entertaining, right?”

Armin nodded, giving a soft grunt as he carefully pushed himself up from the floor. God, why had he thought that would be a good idea? Laying down had been easy enough, but the small of his back screamed with a sharp pain as he tried to stand up without faltering. He tried not to look around and check if anyone had noticed, knowing it would only seem even more suspicious. “I think I’m gonna head home,” he hummed. He coughed softly, trying to clear a sudden lump out of his throat. Eren looked up from his books with a soft frown, checking the time. 

“I can drive you,” the brunette hummed, setting his book and papers in Levi’s lap to get up. For a second it looked like he was about to give Armin his hand to help him, but the blond quickly grabbed his things and headed toward the door. He absolutely did not want Eren to see that he might actually need the help. 

The car ride home seemed agonizingly long to Armin. He tried to chat with Eren, then tried to pretend that he was simply tired. But he couldn’t help feeling as though the brunette had seen through his ploy. As he got out Eren gave him a parting wave, which didn’t help matters. Did he notice anything? Was he just not going to bring it up? Could he honestly be that thick? Armin felt tears well up as he watched his friend drive away, battling between frustration that Eren hadn’t even noticed, and guilt that he could possibly want to make his problems someone else’s. He sat down on the curb, unable to go back to his apartment yet. He never wanted to go back in there again, feeling a dark pit of anxiety well up when he thought about opening the door. It wasn’t his any more. It was Kenny’s. Armin could never know what was waiting for him in that building, or what would happen. But he couldn’t stay out here. Someone would get suspicious. 

The blond forced himself inside, trying to swallow his tears to get ready for his “appointment.” He didn’t want anyone to see him crying, especially not his client. The bag of pills practically sang to Armin, promising to make him not feel a thing. He was only barely able to close his mind to it, but it was such a tempting promise. He wasn’t sure how long he could manage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: Rape/sexual assault. It isn't graphic at all, but it does happen.


	11. Flammable: No Direct Heat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I furiously retcon where all the characters went, and realize that my inability to keep track of time has bled over into my writing. Why do I do these things to myself?
> 
>  
> 
> [The song from this chapter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lS3q9H5g2WU)
> 
> Content warnings at end of chapter!!

Armin had no clue how he managed to lead his sordid double life. Maybe it was Kenny’s scheduling that helped, giving him designated hours during which he had to be ready for any caller at his door. Maybe it was some masochistic energy that made him plaster on a grin whenever he met up with his friends at the garage. It definitely wasn’t drugs, though he had started chain smoking again. The blond was glad Levi didn’t care about smoking in the building, though he had taken to stepping out to the abandoned pit below the stage to avoid the judging looks in his friends eyes. He remembered the after school specials too, the school assemblies with speakers who brought in big diagrams of what smoking did to your body. He didn’t need Mikasa or Bertholdt to go and ask him if he really needed another cigarette already.

Sometimes when he would go out Levi would join him, flipping the bird at Eren when the brunette tried to protest. Armin glanced to the side, wrinkling his nose as the man exhaled a cloud of vapor that smelled of christmas trees.

“I don’t know how that can be any better for you than a cigarette,” he hummed. “It smells like you’re smoking straight pine tar.”

“It’s Christmas themed, on sale for the ungodly early beginning of the season.” Levi quirked an eyebrow, a tiny expression that screamed defiance. “Plus it reminds me of the wood stove we had when I was a kid. Back when I lived with my mom.”

Armin shrugged and took a long drag off of his cigarette. He held the smoke in his lungs until he almost felt dizzy, coughing as he exhaled. He hadn’t realized he was down to the filter already, and ground out the ember under his boot. It was Levi’s turn to scoff when he pulled out a half-smoked cigarillo, lighting it and puffing on the mouth tip.

“That bad of a day, huh? I’m almost tempted to offer you some liquor, if I thought you wouldn’t over do it. You are twenty-one, right?”

There was a joking quality to Levi’s voice, but Armin wasn’t in the mood for it right now. He struggled to keep his composure, feeling his chest shake as he blew out the smoke he’d been holding in his mouth. “I’ve bought alcohol here before.” Armin's voice sounded surprisingly calm for how tense he felt. Maybe he was just getting that good at lying to himself and everyone around him. Levi snorted and clicked on his bulky vape pen. More of a vape box than a pen. Armin decided to change the subject, pointing at the thing in the man’s hand.

“Doesn’t that feel odd to you? I mean, I know you need to protect your vocal chords and all, but it just seems disappointing. I mean, part of the allure of smoking is the fire and the ember, at least for me. The way it sits in your hand, and you can watch it burning down… The way you’re controlling the elements of air and fire, I guess, if you wanted to get metaphysical about it.”

There was a long silence. For a moment Armin wasn’t sure Levi would respond. The raven let out his puff of christmas-tree-smoke through his nose, and Armin realized it had an undertone of candy canes to the scent he hadn’t noticed before. Did it actually remind Levi of a wood stove, or was he just bullshitting? It was so hard to get a read on the man. “It was tough to get used to,” he finally hummed. The two seemed to look up together into the night sky, vapor slowly drifting away from them to leave only the thin trail of smoke from Armin’s blunt. “I actually started out trying to quit cold turkey. Tried chewing tobacco at one point too, but the fucking slurping… ugh. I felt like a cow chewing its cud. And you have to spit so goddamn often. But yeah, by the time these things came out I was down to a couple cigs a day, and I’d alternate inhaling and not. Anything to save my voice, you know? Then a friend of mine in the business suggested I try a vape pen with some menthol oil in it, and it did the fucking trick. Made my throat feel a hundred times better, and it got rid of the damn headache from my latest stint of weaning myself off. It doesn’t feel the same, but the romanticism of it wore off on me when I almost lost my voice before a live concert.”

Armin whistled softly, pausing in putting the mouthpiece of the black and mild to his lips. He glanced at the glowing ember, that seemed to pulse with a life of its own. A life he controlled, and shortened by decades for the little wad of leaves every time he took a drag. He pulled in another mouthful of smoke, tilting his head back and letting it rise from his mouth like a great volcano threatening to erupt. “I guess I’m just a naive Romantic who can’t help but find something kind of beautiful about it. It’s like meditation, I don’t know if I could get the same mindset from a machine.”

“Different strokes for different folks,” Levi hummed, grinning at his own crude joke. “Anyways, I’m gonna head inside. We’re setting up for a little practice session to see if we can hash out Eren’s new song. If you really need it, I’ve got rum and vodka under the wet bar. As long as you promise to behave.”

Armin didn’t have time to complain at the low blow to his character. He didn’t have anything to defend himself with, anyways. He supposed he would always be the weird druggie Eren and his friends dragged into Levi’s life. There was no fixing that now. He took another drag off his cigarillo, sending the smoke through his nose and imagining himself a dragon or some other mythical beast. Could he ever become so jaded about the world? He kind of already was, but he liked to think he could still manage some sort of dark, twisted Romantic ideals. Or maybe he was just distracting himself from the bigger picture.

Letting his thoughts wander to “work” and his life outside this little peaceful bubble of a venue slash pseudo youth shelter brought drakness whirling in on Armin’s mind. Despite the early twilight it seemed as though he was thrust into a void of blackness, vision blurring on the small ember at the end of his blunt. The blonde felt tears drip out of the corners of his eyes. He blinked as the saltiness irritated them, and wiped at the tickle at the peak of his chin where the two twin beads threatened to fall. 

Why was this happening all of a sudden? He had been fine just a moment ago. This was worse than any panic attack he’d had at school. He couldn’t breathe. He wasn’t just whiting out and going through the motions, he was actually stuck here, the darkness surrounding and crushing him. Armin felt the dull ache where his knees hit the pavement, but he couldn’t actually see the ground beneath his feet. He watched the ember inch its way millimeter by millimeter closer to his hand, the tiny heartbeat of some living thing, clutched between his fingers. In his struggle for breath, convinced this was the end, Armin thought the ember represented his own life. He was slowly sucking and gnawing away at his own soul with his decisions, the same way every breath shortened the roll of tobacco and paper. Every client he saw, every time he lied and made up a story about work to not interrupt the flow of conversation with his friends. Everything was bringing him one step closer to the end.

The blonde felt as though he was moving through pudding, his hands numb as he pulled up the sleeve of his sweatshirt. He watched in slow motion as he snuffed out the ember on his arm, just below the elbow. After a second that seemed like an eternity to his overclocked mind, he felt the burning of the head dissipating into his flesh, and smelled the acrid tang of burning skin and hair. But that jolt to his system brought him crashing back to reality, panting as his chest heaved for breath. He glanced around at the street, finding himself utterly alone. For a second he seemed to remember flashing images around him, himself in horribly compromising positions, but from very far away. The memory of distorted voices and blurred faces faded slowly, like the little blob from staring at the sun for too long. Armin was certain he hadn’t actually seen them in that inky blackness, but they seemed to linger with the dull sting he felt as a blister began to form where he still held the rapidly cooling butt of his blunt to his arm.

Armin quickly flicked the cigar away and covered up his arm. When he went back inside he found the back room empty, the sound of his friends voices coming from the stage and pit instead. He quickly made his way to the bathroom and rinsed the soot from his burn, hoping the smell of smoke on him in general would keep the slightly more acrid tang of it from being too noticeable. As soon as he was done he joined his non-musically-inclined friends in the pit, where they were sitting down as Eren, Levi, Jean, and Marco got set up with instruments and microphones. Erwin stood a short distance away, leaning against a railing rather than making himself comfortable on the concrete floor. It really wasn’t that comfortable, after all.

After a couple moments of arguing with Jean about chords or something that sounded vaguely musical, Levi had to break up the impromptu band. He walked Eren to the main mic with hands on the brunette’s shoulders, and did Armin notice his friend blushing a little? Maybe it was his imagination. Or it could be a flush of anger. After all, Jean had sounded rather harsh and smug, a combination that always set Eren off. Eren finally started the first chord of whatever he was about to sing, though, and the tune sent shivers down Armin’s spine.

_“They’re coming creeping from the corner._  
And all I know is that I don’t feel safe.  
I feel a tapping on my shoulder.  
I turn around at an alarming rate.  
But am I losing my mi-i-i-i-ind, I really think so.  
Not a creature in si-i-i-i-ight, but what you don’t know.  
Is that my breathing gets faster,  
And so does my heartbeat,  
I wish this was over,  
I wish that this was a dream, but!  
…” 

There were cheers from the small crowd once the song was finished, and Connie obnoxiously shouting “Encore, encore!!” The four on stage huddled up, muttering together about technical things that weren’t quite picked up by the microphones. Armin couldn’t help glancing over at Erwin, who was nodding slowly with a hand to his chin. They kept working on the song, tweaking little things here and there as the night dragged on. Some of the group started moving between the pit and the back lounge, alternately working on homework and dragging it out to where they could listen to the band working as well.

After a while Armin went up to Erwin, clearing his throat quietly. He felt like a little kid, finding a teacher to ask if he could go to the bathroom. The feeling didn’t go away when the blond turned his attention on Armin. The two hadn’t talked alone since the embarrassing incident on the couch, and Armin desperately wished he hadn’t just remembered that. Did Erwin remember it too? Judging by the way he glanced aside and scratched his head, it seemed like he definitely hadn’t forgotten it, at least.

“Hey, I’m gonna head back home. Didn’t want anyone to accuse me of just splitting with no notice, y’know?”

The older man’s bushy brows knitted together as he nodded. “You know we’re not trying to police you, right?” Armin was taken aback. His blank stare must have said as much, because Erwin hesitated as he continued. "You always sound mildly resentful whenever you leave. You’re an adult, we can’t keep you here. Your friends just worry about your health, that’s all.”

It was Armin’s turn to frown, and he subconsciously rubbed his elbow, agitating the spot he’d burned just a little while ago. “I just… I mean… I understand, it’s just tough to feel like anything I do is gonna be judged, y’know? It’s been a long time since I had a curfew. Actually, I think I imposed my own curfew when I was still in school. I don’t think Grandad would have cared if I stayed out late, since I never got into trouble.” Speaking of his grandfather brought an old and familiar ache to Armin’s chest. What would he think if he could see Armin now?

Erwin had taken a step closer, his hand in the beginnings of reaching out to comfort the blond. Armin saw the question in those blue eyes, but he turned away from it, letting the small, sad smile turn into a fake grin. “Anyways, I pinky promise I’m not going off to do anything illegal, I just have to get to bed so I’m not late for work. Capitalism is fun, isn’t it?”

“Do you want me to drive you home?” Armin felt his grin falter, holding tighter to his burned elbow. “I… I think I can make the last bus. If I don’t dawdle.” Erwin raised a skeptical brow, checking the time on his phone. Strange. For some reason Armin imagined him to be the kind of guy to still use a watch.

“I think you’ve missed it by about fifteen minutes. Let me drive you home, I don’t mind.”

Armin realized he’d run out of excuses. It would take him half the night to get back if he walked. He was wary about Erwin knowing where he lived, but it was his best chance. He finally gave in, following the blond to his car parked in the alley and climbing in. “Mind if I smoke? I promise I’ll hold it out the window, I don't wanna make your car stink.”

“No worries,” Erwin hummed. “As long as you let me bum one.” Armin felt a grin tugging at his lips, lighting a cigarette and handing it to the man as he pulled out onto the street. Erwin took a puff, exhaling out the window as he rolled down the front two. He coughed at the end of it, inspecting the cigarette. “What brand are these?”

“Newport reds,” Armin answered, taking a drag off of his and taking Erwin’s lead, watching his stream of smoke get tugged into the wind generated by the car’s movement. “I didn’t know you smoked.”

“Mostly Camel Crush, back in the day. It think they still make them.” Armin nodded. He liked those too, though not as much. He wasn’t a fan of menthol. “But I had to stop because it was giving me a bad image in business meetings. Levi can still sort of get away with it, especially with his style, but for a manager it’s surprisingly difficult. Not to mention long hours in an office or a meeting and all I could wrap my head around was counting the minutes until I could smoke. It was distracting, to say the least.”

“So you quit” Armin hummed. He gave a sidelong glance to the cigarette in Erwin’s hand that the man definitely didn’t miss. Erwin chuckled softly around a drag.

“I did. I still succumb every so often, but I have enough willpower to not make it a pack-a-day habit again. It helps when you aren’t around them constantly. I can only imagine trying to quit while selling them to customers.”

For a moment Armin was utterly confused. He had to school his face into something neutral when he remembered his lie about working at the convenience store by his apartment. Had Erwin noticed? Hopefully he was too busy watching the road, as he ought to be doing. “Yeah, well, we’re a little mom and pop place, so we just sell the shit dregs. Nothing even worth smoking, unless you’re trying to force yourself to quit from how nasty they are.” That at least got a chuckle from Erwin. Armin didn’t notice any kind of suspicion in the blond’s profile, so hopefully he was safe.

“So tell me, what kind of work do you do exactly, as a manager. Like, how did you get into this. It seems too convenient that you knew Levi from school and then became the guy to get him gigs. Spill the beans.”

To Armin’s surprise, Erwin seemed a little flustered by the question. The blonde hummed for a moment, stalling for time as he glanced around the car for somewhere to put out the butt of his cigarette. He finally settled on flicking it out the car window with a sigh. “You’re a really astute kid, huh? I bet nothing gets past you…”

“What was that?” Armin hummed, not quite catching the mumbled comment. Erwin cleared his throat, placing both hands back on the steering wheel now that his left was free.

“Levi and I knew each other in school, yes. My father was a teacher in High School, and was helping Levi out with his… situation. There’s history there with him and his uncle that I won’t go into because it’s not my place. But he disappeared one summer between grades, and no one really knew where he went. He seemed really stressed when he came back, and my dad said he was moving in with us. We got to be friends, and even ended up going to the same college.”

Erwin chuckled, remembering some event or other. “Well, I was pretty serious about my education, and somehow Levi managed to stay for two years despite never going to class and getting into all sorts of trouble. I’d ended up introducing him to Hange and Mike, and the three started a band that did really poorly for quite a while. I graduated and passed my Bar exam, and didn’t hear from them for a while until Hange called me up to tell me Levi had been admitted to the hospital for a drug overdose.”

“Wait,” Armin held up a hand to stop the stream of memories from leaving Erwin’s lips. “You mean to tell me you’re a lawyer?”

“Yup. Though I found working as a public defendant to be rather tasteless. Either you’re defending someone who’s guilty and you know it, or you have no way to help someone who’s innocent and being put down at the hands of a larger system. And for the most part it’s the latter.” Armin hummed in understanding, thinking of the many close calls he’d had with cops before. “So when I got the call and visited Levi, I started looking at their career. It seemed to me that I could figure out a better way of promoting them, and with my background in law, it was no trouble working around copyright laws and publishing. Thats how No Name managed to become so successful without signing with one of the big record labels to begin with. And of course we helped some other small artists out, and then Levi bought the garage, and it's been a mix of touring and hosting bands since then.”

Armin let his imagination wander with the bits of the story that weren’t filled in. He could imagine No Name touring the world, had remembered Eren telling him about something like that when they were younger. He’d seemed really excited about the band having locals from each country opening for them. That had started a rather short lived obsession with German Rock that Armin still couldn’t wrap his head around completely. “Okay, so what about the rest of the band?”

“Well, Hange and Mike tend to take the holidays off to spend with family. They were both gone for Thanksgiving, and we just told them to stay at home while you were… well, getting clean. The group agreed that you would be better off with fewer strangers around. The three of them have been discussing the coming year for the band over the phone, and those two will be back after the New Year.”

“Well that kind of makes me feel like shit,” Armin hummed. He pulled his legs up onto the seat, resting his chin on his knees. “I can’t believe I basically kicked them out for a whole two months.”

Erwin’s hand twitched for a moment. It looked as though he wanted to reach over the gap between them and offer a comforting touch. But Armin’s subtle shift toward the door gave him enough of a hint that it wouldn’t be appreciated. The boy was already struggling to keep up his happy facade. “I guess Eren might be part of those plans. He seems to really be growing by hanging out with Levi.”

There was a long silence. Armin started mentally kicking himself, realizing Erwin was probably wondering how well Armin knew his best friend any more after being estranged for so long. The blond offered a hum of acknowledgement, as he pulled closer to the apartment complex. Armin pointed out his building, climbing out of the car with a quiet thanks. Erwin seemed as though he wanted to say something more, but Armin didn’t really feel like it. His mood had taken a sharp nosedive as he tried to find any signs that anything was off about his home. He was too distracted by the sense of dread that was becoming all too familiar whenever he got close to his place.

Armin tried not to hesitate or look around as he entered his apartment, all too aware that Erwin was watching him from the parking lot. He silently cursed the exterior entrances that made it plain as day when he opened the door and stepped inside. His heart was racing as he forced himself to step over the threshold, and he had to close tear-filled eyes to the sight of the empty living room. From the second floor he couldn’t tell when Erwin drove away, but when he finally moved past the doorway to check out the window, he couldn’t see the man’s car through the branches of the large tree blocking his view.

The blonde flopped on his couch, kicking off his shoes and covering his face with his hands. He couldn’t believe that he’d actually forced Mike and Hange to leave town for so long. How fucking selfish could he get? The single burn on his arm no longer felt like enough. He couldn’t deal with his thoughts right now, and he couldn’t take refuge in the tiny bag of pills singing to him from under his bed. Smoking was no help, either. It was the same as breathing, practically. Instead of wasting another cigarette just to make a twin mark next to the blister forming on his arm, Armin grabbed his lighter and flicked it to produce a flame. He held it there until he thought his finger nail would catch on fire, then pressed the burning metal to himself. He didn’t know how long he did that for, his retinas burning with a bright purple spot from staring into the flame in the gloom of his dark apartment. His arm above the elbow was covered in burns and blisters, and he lowered his sleeve as chills started to rack his body. He ended up sleeping on the couch again, unable to really associate his bed with anything but work. It was a restless night, but it was marginally better than some others he’d had. He was already running himself ragged, and it hadn’t even been that long since Kenny had reminded him of his place. Half asleep, trying to urge his depression to surrender him to unconsciousness, he wondered how much longer he could manage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Depictions of self harm


End file.
